You startup ChatRoulette because you want to have some sexy time and then BANG! You score! A real live women! Except...well, her privates are a little less than bangable.

When we first saw this picture of Mad Men star Christina Hendricks on the cover of New York magazine two things immediatly came to our mind: 1) This is the perfect women and 2) We will never have a shot at her because she obviously marries ugly douchebags, of which we are not because we were born with the handsome gene (this is a total lie. Everyone who works at LG is pretty much the ugliest person on the planet and if one of us were to come face to face with Mrs. Booby Hendricks, she would surely vomit into our mouths.).

And this is who's banging/married to Christina. I know! He's some actor I guess, and not even a famous one! His name is Geoffrey Arend and he looks sickly, like he might die at any minute.

Mad Men's Christina Hendricks is probably the most important women in showbiz. Her national treasures (BOOBS, FYI) should be protected by the government forever. Also, her husband should be killed so we could marry her. It would be nice, just sayin'. Wouldn't you agree?

(via The Superficial)

Less than 5 pages into the magazine I came across this article about Serena Williams' recent tennis win against Mother Nature (must be Mick Foley's cousin).  Apparently, Serena shut Mother Nature out in straight sets, proving not only herself as THE dominant force in women's tennis, but also showing great ethical fortitude, as apparently Mother Nature has been trying to bribe her by sending her a gift every month.

Since it's premiere, MTV's "Jersey Shore" has received a staggering amount of criticism from the New Jersey Italian American Legislative Council. Caucus Chairman Joseph "Joey Ravioli" Vitale said the "wildly offensive" show promotes derogatory ethnic stereotypes. And in a letter to Viacom, MTV's parent company, Joey Ravioli demanded that the show be cancelled, and in exchange, he would "send you's some meatballs and Grigio."

Perhaps he should have sent an oaky Chard, because "Jersey Shore" remains on the air. And personally, I think MTV has some freshly waxed balls for keeping Mike's freshly waxed situation around. But more importantly, in the hysteria surrounding the casts' love of offensively smearing ricotta on each other's wife beaters and then licking it off (rather, it should be licked off and then spit into an al dente shell), the media hasn't even bothered to report on the most positive aspect of the show:

The young women of the cast. 

For far too long, MTV reality series have focused on drunk, slutty women with perfectly-proportioned, unattainable body types, so it's nice to finally see MTV choosing drunk, slutty women with far sloppier body types easily attained by the second semester of freshmen year. The big-boned women, Angelina, Jenni "J-Woww", Nicole "Snooki", and Sammi "Sweetheart" clearly have healthy appetites and spend most of their time consuming New Jersey's four basic food groups: Everclear, cranberry juice, ice, and calzones.

And instead of obsessively exercising on the treadmill for hours at a time, these all-natural ladies are showing girls everywhere that there are far safer more interactive ways to burn those unwanted ice calories off. Like spending time in the Jacuzzi, for instance. Simultaneously chugging vodka, removing your bra, and manually stimulating a situation, all while sitting in oppressive heat, offer a superb cardio session. And though not scientifically proven, it may also help you take a punch.

So step off, detractors, and give this show the friggin' respect it deserves, and don't trim the fat.

(Note: While Prongs has never actually watched "Jersey Shore", she did grow up in New Jersey, so any assumptions made above are not assumptions, but actual fact. Peace & Meatballs, Audi 5000.)

Nothing screams festive like a holiday photo of a scantily clad woman of questionable intelligence posing with her lovely lumps.

Much like Santa's sack, Nadia Suleman's uterus is the gift that keeps on giving. Now, pass the eggnog! (Maybe hold the egg on her's.)

This is Coco, rapper Ice T's girl. Many of you would laugh at a girl like this if you saw her at the gym. Some of you might even call her a slut, skank, whore -- all those horrible words used to denigrate women who don't look like your mom or sister or homely wife. You might say, "Well, I can't be with a girl like that because her boobs are too fake," or "I'd never bang a girl like that because it looks like her ass is stuffed with two giant pumpkins, which are stuffed with warm cottage cheese." Well, you're a liar. You're a big fat loser of a liar. We all know we'd marry a chick that looks like this. We'd give her all our money, we'd let her have 12 of our children. We'd do everything for her because a girl who looks like this deserves to have everything done for her. She's the one you've been waiting for all these years, she's the only one that could ever mean anything to you. Just look at her. Look at that ass. No Avatar effects here. Everything you see is real. Now stop judging Coco...stop judging Ice T. Go forth and find someone just like Coco and hold on to her ass till your last, loving breath.

According to the Germans - and we know they're always right - if you stare at boobs you'll live longer. From the MedGuru:

According to Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist and author of the study, gawking at women’s breasts is a healthy practice, almost at par with an intense exercise regime, that prolongs the lifespan of a man by five years.

She added, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female, is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out."

This is probably the greatest news I've ever heard in my live. I hate going to the gym, and I'm assuming most of you do as well. I'm also going to go broke, because I imagine the strip club I'm going to after work will be a lot more expensive than my local gym. Unless this is all covered by Obama's new Healthcare plan.

(via theMedGuru)

Look. Yeah we're going to keep posting about Tiger Woods because that's the only thing on the news right now. So unless Jeff Goldblum dies in the next twenty minutes or we just fall alseep while writing this post, this is what you're stuck with so just deal.

So far there are SEVEN girls (or NINE, nobody really knows) who have come out and said they banged Tiger Woods. That's a lot of secret phone numbers to keep in your secret iPhone which will eventually make it's way onto the internet so that your secret sexy sext messages and nude pictures will be seen by the world! Respect!

In case you were wondering which of his mistresses is the hottest, we've got that taken care of for you. We're even going to add Elin to the mix because we're worried she'll be jealous (she's suffered enough!). This was a relatively easy task because the girls all have their own look. None of them really look the same. It seems that Tiger's only requirment for banging a girl was that she had a vagina - that's it! So here we go...

8. Florida waitress, Mindy Lawton. She looks like one of our alcoholic neighbors. "WUD YOU LIKKKE MEE TOOO SEDUSH UUUUUUUUUUU!"

7. Rachel Uchitel. This an old photo of her. In her new photos she looks like this, but more plastic. And less like her lips are made of liver.

6. Don't know what Tiger saw in Jaimee Grubbs. We guess it's kind of cool that she was in Tool Academy. Wait. No we don't. There is nothing redeaming about this chick besides her taste in short red clothes. Moving on.

5. Porn star Holly Sampson. Now we're talking. Now we understand why Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife: Elin obviously hated gay people. Holly Sampson supports gay people so much she's willing to wear a rainbow bikini on her boobs. That could be the only reason why he'd sleep with a porn star, right? RIGHT!?!

(click here to see the rest of the list)

The real story here isn't whether or not Hannah Montana is swearing, it's whether or not the reporter in the video KNOWS HE'S YELLING INTO THE MICROPHONE. PLEASE, IT'S TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING FOR OUR EARS TO BE HURTING THIS MUCH. KTHXBAI.

Whomever choreographed this song and dance routine back in 1944 was a genius. They should of won an award - any kind of award, it doesn't matter. They took the two greatest things in life - potato salad and hot women - and combined them into a pretty advanced song and dance routine. This is before Lady Gaga. Before Madonna. Before Marilyn Monroe. Who knows, this was probably before Harriet Beecher Stowe (hottie alert!) and whomever Abraham Lincoln was banging at the time. This just wins on all levels. Enjoy.

What's with courgars these days? They're either screaming out of your TV box or they're looking like complete idiots on the dance floor. And yes, but "idiots" we mean Katie Couric, and by "Katie Couric" we mean "why the hell are we partly turned on by these photos?" With the way our tongue is on the floor right now, you'd think every 70-year-old woman who drops her cootchie on the dance floor like this turns us on, but no. Just Katie Couric. We only have eyes for Katie Couric and those gams. THOSE GAMS. 

We're gonna go shoot ourselves in the head right now, or you can do that for us. Whatevs.

She's coming for you. Run.

And here's the cootchie drop. Oh lawd.

Yeah, that's the face. It totally doesn't scream "I'M WASTED 4 DAYZZZZ" or anything. No, not at all.

Click here to see the rest of the photos.

Dear Helga,

I’ve always been fit, but recently, I’ve been stressed out and working a lot, and I’ve put on 10 pounds. I’m horrified by it, but my boyfriend says that he can’t tell the difference. I find that extremely hard to believe. Are guys really that nonchalant about weight?

Dear Tenner,

Of the few certainties in life, you can be certain of two things: 1.) men don’t fake orgasm – and 2.) are NOT nonchalant about YOUR weight.

Even though your BF may be carrying the last 50 beers he drank around his belly, your extra dime is a bigger crown of thorns for him than for you. But – he is wisely taking the passive approach – for now. He wants to see if you are really as horrified as you claim to be.

Get your tonnage back to the gym big-cheeks. You’re not following process. First you marry him and pop out 2.5 children THEN you can cut your hair, gain your weight, quit your job and whatever else you women do before settling on the couch for the next 30 years.  

Love,

Helga

Do you have a question that can only be answered by our uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual? Write to him/her: helga@helgasmailroom.com

Or Visit: http://www.helgasmailroom.com

Or, better yet, get bent.

Ladies and Gentleman, because we're a bit retarded and love a good throwback to the days when creating games that inflicted imaginary harm upon celebrities were not only frowned upon, BUT ALSO CELEBRATED (!), we have for you: Kill The Kardashians. For those of you who believe that this game is crass, wrong, disgusting and morally reprehensible: you are right. But you're also wrong, because we have no doubt - none in the world! - that you also believe Sponge Bob Square Pants is the reason your child is gay. Or something like that. Now to the offended, get back to work. For those of you who want to waste a little more of your company's time playing a fun game insteading of browsing Craigslist for bodies you can kidnap and keep in your closet, enjoy.

Play the game.

P.S. And yes, we still believe Kim Kardashian is one of the hottest woman in the world.