An entire lighting rig almost falls on Hillary Clinton and the most she can say is "Jesus, Mary and Joseph"?? Even Bush knows how to curse!

In this Pac-Man parody, help Mary-Kate Olsen snort boatloads of primo cocaine. Be sure to play this with your kids.

Mary Louise Parker helped promote her show Weeds by posing naked. Hey, whatever it takes, right?

The Long Island Firecrotch got an early start on the glamorous alcoholism train. I hope those cosmos are virgin!!

The Olsen Twins are now one chick, since both of them are basically half a person.

More fun than Virgin Air! (Just don't tell the pilot to eat your shorts.)

If you can't say it with a greeting card, say it with a print-out banner outside your dorm.

Jenna Jameson and Paris Hilton are pegged to host a new reality TV series that basically gets virgins laid. It's being made by the same guy that released the Paris Hilton sex tape, so you know it's gonna be classy.

Still-skinny Mary-Kate Olsen looked stunning (as in, we're still stunned by this look) when she walked the red carpet wearing Kelly green, a dead raccoon, and a chestplate.

Finally! Someone got an Olsen twin to eat!

Seriously, I was freaked out by Mary Poppins as a kid, but never this bad!

Yes, but how old do you have to be?

Finally, Chewbacca becomes an American, TomKat has boring sex, Mary-Kate quits college, and other stuff we really can’t remember right now.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Here are some of the most mystifying Virgin Mary sightings ever captured on film. Kind of.

The day Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen turned 18 was probably the greatest day of our lives.