Still not safe.

The objective of any social situation is to make everyone else feel dumb and always have the last word. Here are a few issues to discuss at tonight's dinner engagement, and a couple ways you can be a pompous, know-it-all prick when talking about them.

Talking Point: Obama's Asia trip was a disaster!
Anyone who brings this up is probably referring to Monday's Slate article written by Eliot Spitzer. But you don't have the schooling to discuss international politics! Divert attention from the real issue by taking a cheap shot at Spitzer for the prostitution scandal (which I'd estimate is still 2 years away from being stale) by doing something like pretending to confuse Spitzer with Charlie Sheen, then exclaiming "Oh sorry, I can't imagine how I mixed those two up!" to peals of laughter. Fair warning, though, in the wrong crowd this could lead to an earnest discussion of Two and a Half Men.

Talking point: Prince William is marrying a commoner!
Key know-it-all prick info: The notion that British royals are bound to marry other royals is actually false (note the use of the word "actually" here. "Actually" is a really good way to sound like a know-it-all prick). They've been marrying outside their own ranks for years. And thank god, because they were becoming known for their inbreeding. As for any issues the Queen has about the marriage, whip this one out: According to George Bernard Shaw in Pygmalion, "It is impossible for an Englishman to open his mouth without making some other Englishman hate or despise him"! Everyone is sure to laugh uproariously at this, and you'll be remembered for the most deftly applied Shaw quote of the season!

Continue reading...

Just kidding! This band will send your ears to hell! We swear! DO NOT press play on this video unless you want to be struck down by the GOD OF SUCK. Supposedly their name is Final Placement. They are from Texas and the lead singer's dad likes to sue websites for posting this video. O RLY? This is a news blog buster, fair use!

(via Videogum)

Look, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this, and yes, just like you, I think it's kinda creepy and weird, but I'm pretty sure Dakota Fanning and I are going to start dating soon.

I have never met D-Fan, but after reading her interview in M Magazine, I feel like I have known her my entire life, or at least her entire life. She likes arts and crafts like knitting, and I have an art degree. Plus, my mom likes to crochet, which is like knitting for people who you don't want to trust with two sharp metal objects. She is a cheerleader at her high school, and I went to high school. She is in the Twilight movie series, and I want to be in the last Twilight movie.

Okay, so those are all nice things to have in common, but you are probably saying to yourself, "Chuck, Dakota Fanning doesn't want to date you."

You're probably right. She probably doesn't want to date me.

GUESS WHAT. I don't want to date her either. I don't like blondes from No-Ho, and home schooled kids creep me out. I don't care if she isn't home schooled anymore (all information "dished" and "spilled" in the M Magazine article).

WE don't want to date each other, but...

...her parents, managers, agents, paparazzi, magazine publishers, Perez Hilton, and TMZ do (this is an curtailed list).

Everyone around her is itching for her to shed her little girl image and move into the role of leading lady sexpot. Just look at the latest cover of V Magazine. They are doing everything they can to turn her into the next Heather Graham. What do you think Hounddog was all about, or her playing an all powerful evil force to be reckoned with in the Twilight movies? But, it's just not working, and they are scrambling for options. Miley Cyrus has already pulled the showing a little skin for Vanity Fair stunt. She can't "accidently" send naked pictures of herself to the press like those other Disney girls, or do a porn like Paris Hilton, because she is still underage, and her parents could face some serious jail time for something like that.

What's left?

Dating an older man... a much older man. A man of mystery... Someone who would really have people asking why... no really, why?

Who is that man? Me.

If she started dating Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, or even Josh Groban, people wouldn't be all that shocked or interested. They would be interested, and a little disturbed by the age difference, but Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise didn't catch that much scrutiny over their ages. They are both famous and good looking, but imagine what kind of media hell storm would erupt if I started dating Tom Cruise... I mean D-Fan.

Things I couldn't figure out how to work into this blog post but I really wanted to:

1.D-Fan once played a young Ellen Degeneress.

2. Dakota is next to Montana.

3. D-Fan might be a C-Fan someday, keep reading M Magazine for the scooped spilled dishes.

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration the next couple weeks!

Passing this photo of the new Vanity Fair cover around the LG office, nobody commented on Tiger's buff body, his cool skullcap or piercing gaze. The commented on his nipples. They are weird. I agree. WTF are wrong with them? They look like some type of mashed up food or those things that cover the screws in the furniture you buy at Ikea. Who the hell knows what's going on with those things. First person to tell us what exactly Tiger's nipples look like gets a hug from me. My nipples are amazing.

This is just idle speculation from a picture we found on the internet (the site currently doesn't not work that well, so we won't link to it), but since Tiger came out and admitted that he had an affair, now we're just going to assume he's banged every chick he's come into contact with. It's only fair right!?! Of course it is. We state from here on out: We will just assume that Tiger's boned every girl that he's taken a photo with in his entire career!

Here's Tiger with some super skinny cheerleader. She also believes in the devil. OMG, YOU GUYS! TIGER BANGS DEVIL WORSHIPERS!

So last week we posted a blog about the world's tallest model and whether or not you'd totally sleep with her. We do realize that this post probably neglected the ladies who come to our website (but not the lesbians!) so we just wanted to be fair and post some dudes for ya'll. Here's Andre the Giant and some wrestling midget. Now who'd you rather?

Would we sleep with Andre the Giant? Our answer is after the jump.

(Click here if you want to go after the jump, fool!)