Passing this photo of the new Vanity Fair cover around the LG office, nobody commented on Tiger's buff body, his cool skullcap or piercing gaze. The commented on his nipples. They are weird. I agree. WTF are wrong with them? They look like some type of mashed up food or those things that cover the screws in the furniture you buy at Ikea. Who the hell knows what's going on with those things. First person to tell us what exactly Tiger's nipples look like gets a hug from me. My nipples are amazing.

There's a lot to be thankful for this year: the sun is still rising, the birds are still chirping and Lindsay Lohan is still with us. Let's all say a prayer for her and to many more years of her drug-fueled anorexic presence. 

Yesterday PETA unveiled the latest ad for its "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign, featuring Bethenny Frankel, member of People with Extraordinarily Little Talent Society (PELTS).

My Cheetah-lined hat is off to you, PETA, because your ads continue to intrigue me. I find myself thinking, as I cut into my still-mooing T-Bone, "Who is PETA's demographic?" Considering your recent choice of spokespeople, I can only assume that your research, presumably conducted by underpaid monkeys at typewriters, shows that your core audience is people invested in reality television. How else can you justify burning our retinas with the likes of Steve-O, Khloe Kardashian, and Karina Smirnoff? (You know it's bad when your last name is a brand and they still don't want you.)

It makes sense though. PETA's invasive studies done on bunnies, show that reality TV viewers are far less intelligent people who can be more easily swayed into giving up those necessary extravagances like fitted Dalmatian tees adorned with hamster noses, and squirrel-tail tampons.

And as for the rest of us, the nod-and-wink, upper-crust "Adult Swim" viewer? Manatee flippers make for a lovely corset.

If that little girl was us we'd totally be like NOM NOM NOM not WHA WHA WHA. Get a grip girl, they're just boobies.

Fantasies really do come true. We've been dreaming of having a girl fart on us now for at least 10 years. This girl better answer this guy back. And then she better call us.

The only thing that leads us to believe these photos are fake is that we can't see any discernable porn stars in the mix.

Look. Yeah we're going to keep posting about Tiger Woods because that's the only thing on the news right now. So unless Jeff Goldblum dies in the next twenty minutes or we just fall alseep while writing this post, this is what you're stuck with so just deal.

So far there are SEVEN girls (or NINE, nobody really knows) who have come out and said they banged Tiger Woods. That's a lot of secret phone numbers to keep in your secret iPhone which will eventually make it's way onto the internet so that your secret sexy sext messages and nude pictures will be seen by the world! Respect!

In case you were wondering which of his mistresses is the hottest, we've got that taken care of for you. We're even going to add Elin to the mix because we're worried she'll be jealous (she's suffered enough!). This was a relatively easy task because the girls all have their own look. None of them really look the same. It seems that Tiger's only requirment for banging a girl was that she had a vagina - that's it! So here we go...

8. Florida waitress, Mindy Lawton. She looks like one of our alcoholic neighbors. "WUD YOU LIKKKE MEE TOOO SEDUSH UUUUUUUUUUU!"

7. Rachel Uchitel. This an old photo of her. In her new photos she looks like this, but more plastic. And less like her lips are made of liver.

6. Don't know what Tiger saw in Jaimee Grubbs. We guess it's kind of cool that she was in Tool Academy. Wait. No we don't. There is nothing redeaming about this chick besides her taste in short red clothes. Moving on.

5. Porn star Holly Sampson. Now we're talking. Now we understand why Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife: Elin obviously hated gay people. Holly Sampson supports gay people so much she's willing to wear a rainbow bikini on her boobs. That could be the only reason why he'd sleep with a porn star, right? RIGHT!?!

(click here to see the rest of the list)

People ask us why we watch Fox News. This is why.

(via talklikeagentleman)

This animated gif of Lindsay Lohan is the future of online entertainment.

Well, a famous porn actress according to US Weekly. Holly Sampson to be exact. She's of the MILF variety, too. Everybody who watches this stuff knows that MILF porn stars are the bottom-of-the-barrel porn stars. They are the ones who are usually meth addicts. What's the deal with Tiger Woods? He's a billionaire. He should be dating Victoria Secret models and Donald Trump's leftovers, not professional skanks.

Well, well, well. Aren’t we just the cat’s meow. And I say good for you, Tiger! Listen, we all get it; we’ve all been there. I mean, who among us isn’t a billion dollar entity who regularly dips the ol’

9-iron into a waitress’ wedge? It’s the circle of life! (And just a regular Tuesday, if you live in Florida or Nevada!)

But why is the media so willing to fault Tiger for these transactionsgressions? If there’s anyone to blame for Tiger’s “Mistress of the Month Club”, it’s his parents. Give your baby a porn star’s name, and what can you expect? It’s like naming a kid Jeeves. Or Ruth. One’s bound to fetch your smoking jacket; the other’s destined to become a hulking Eastern European who sloughs off the dead skin on your heels.

But Tiger’s parents’ poor name choices aside, what’s the big deal? Should the big-bucks sponsors like Nike and Cadillac really care what Tiger does off the tee? Because by my count, he’s just sticking with brand awareness:

Nike: “Just Do It”

Check.

Cadillac: “Re-imagined. Re-inspired. Re-invigorated. All designed to reignite the soul.”

Check.

AT&T: “Talk is good.”

If you’re a brand, check.

So by that logic, Tiger’s Sexy Times may just help our economy keep on going. His marriage may not, but that’s his parents’ fault.

Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes upon this sweaty, balding dude and his frumpy, snaggle-toothed wife. They are going to make a porno together. From the UK Sun:

Lisa Brand and Tommy Barnes have earned £1,300 from three X-rated movies and plan to make four more to raise cash for a beach ceremony in Cancun, Mexico, next June.

The pair, who have four children, have played a photographer and lingerie model who strip for a romp, and also appeared in a threesome.

Lisa, 34, even dripped hot wax on Tommy's chest at a motorway service station hotel to recreate a scene from Madonna's 1993 movie Body of Evidence.

She also spanked him with a paddle. She said: "I was laughing my head off.

"I have told my mum and most of my friends. They understand. It's always been our dream to have a fairytale wedding."

         Tommy, 36, added at Macclesfield, Cheshire: "It's our five minutes of fame - something to look back on whe we're older. It has brought us closer together."

Yeah, Tommy. Five minutes of fame and LETTING THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW that your wife is in desperate need of some teeth whitening and Invisalign. REAL SMART.

The American Apparel contest got us thinking about butts, and then it got us thinking about cakefarts. And then Martha Stewart. We're geniuses the way we put things together.

Ah. It happens to the best of us, Jared. Diet Pro Tip: Don't put Twinkies in your 6-inch turkey sub.

See more pics of this former skinny fat dude here.

This holiday season we're going to be giving you gift ideas, and here's our first. It's a doozy and we have no idea whether this is for real or not but it must be posted here. It's a Kosher Prostate exam. Do you have to be Jewish to receive one? Who knows! But this sounds like a real winner of a gift for Dads or people who just like their anal cavitity rubbed (and who doesn't?!?).

If you have any awesome gift ideas that we should know about, please email us at talkback@liquidgeneration.com. We'd love to hear about it.

(via Talk Like A Gentlmen)

Uhmmm. Our answer is after the jump.

_{(this is the jump! click it, fool!)}

And it makes us want to vomit! Thanksgiving is only two days away! Enjoy!

(via the awl)

What's with courgars these days? They're either screaming out of your TV box or they're looking like complete idiots on the dance floor. And yes, but "idiots" we mean Katie Couric, and by "Katie Couric" we mean "why the hell are we partly turned on by these photos?" With the way our tongue is on the floor right now, you'd think every 70-year-old woman who drops her cootchie on the dance floor like this turns us on, but no. Just Katie Couric. We only have eyes for Katie Couric and those gams. THOSE GAMS. 

We're gonna go shoot ourselves in the head right now, or you can do that for us. Whatevs.

She's coming for you. Run.

And here's the cootchie drop. Oh lawd.

Yeah, that's the face. It totally doesn't scream "I'M WASTED 4 DAYZZZZ" or anything. No, not at all.

Click here to see the rest of the photos.

We can all agree that punching a girl in the face is totally unacceptable. But what if that girl was excruciatingly annoying, gave birth to Dr. Phil and her name was Oprah? Would it be okay then? No, it wouldn't be. But after watching this video of Oprah screaming celebrity names for 25 years, we'd totally understand how somebody would want to kick the living crap out of their Oprah-playing television sets and then throw themselves off the nearest building, killing themselves and hopefully anyone else who saw this thing. Seriously, it's painful. It makes us think that anybody who's watched The Oprah Show for the last 25 years must be devoid of any form of sound judgement, or at least that part of the brain that makes you go, "Oh, CRAZY TRAIN ALERT! **CLICK** It's Maury Povich time."

In case you haven't, make sure you check out our Twilight parody, Twilight Whispers. We showed this to a group of 14-year-old girls and they threatened to kill our famiies if we ever made fun of Edward and Bella again. But we told them not to worry. We're told them we were totally TEAM JACOB and they were like "OMG! US TOO!" and now we're all BFFs. See how this works? These people are stupid. Anyway, hope you enjoy the video and hopefully you won't have to hear about Twilight for at least another year, or until one of them takes off their shirt again. We hope next time it's Bella (wait, she's legal right?).