Just kidding, fatso, she wants to give this guy a massage.

That kid could should be sent to slammer for beating his buddy. Or just given the death penalty. Kids just can't get away with this anymore.

Nothing like a girl on girl fight to make a horrible movie watchable. And sexy!

This video is best viewed between the hours of 1AM to 5AM, when you're kinda drunk.

Perez Hitlon got his ass beat by one of Will.i.Am's (ANNOYING NAME, DUDE!) people at the MuchMusic Awards this past weekend. Later The Mighty Gay One made a video about what happened, which is where this picture came from. It's fun to see this dude cry, right?

We want to laugh at this guy because we think he might be retarded. Or a serial killer.

You might have thought that Anna Faris would be perfect for you because she seems like a regular chick and she's funny and seems to be into fat dudes. Well, you're right. Except for the part about being into you...she's into the fat dude pictured above, who she married over the weekend.

Is Paris Hilton ever going to get fat and sloppy? Maybe she's not even human, and will forever stay young and hot and kind of stupid. We hope. Those are amazing traits.

It's going to take a lot more than flowers to get in her pants, buddy. Start with trying to replace your face.

BREAKING NEWS: Lindsay Lohan is going to give birth to a bag of cocaine!

Lay off the cheesburgers, Jason Biggs. Just because you're not working lately doesn't give you a license to eat every studio head that doesn't put you in a movie.

Lindsay Lohan almost looks like a little boy. EAT A SANDWICH, GIRL!

Bear witness to the most amazingly awful acting jobs in the history of awful acting jobs.

There’s a murderer on the loose and he’s killing all of your favorite celebrities! Look at the crime scene photos and try to guess who he killed!

We would do anything to have Supergirl's powers for a day. Is that so much to ask?

We feel silly for using our own hands to wipe our ass all these years. If we knew the Comfort Wipe existed, our life would be so much more awesome and our hands would be a lot less smelly. And brown.

Can you see this optical illusion? We had to watch the entire video just to see the it because we're dumb.

If you ever stand next to Lebron James, expect him to kill you with his farts.

Because she's awesome, Heather Graham didn't wear a bra to the UK Hangover premiere. For this we believe she is the greatest actress of our generation.

Here's Phil Spector's mugshot. You have permission to vomit now.