Disaster is dodged.

These parents are either real messed up or have a great sense of humor.

Thanks for the memories.

One wins.

Like all people who don't consult the Bible to solve practical problems, I'm at war with Christmas. I wish people "Happy Holidays" , promote the idea of Santa Claus in order to deflect attention away from the role of the Christ-child, and accentuate the pagan elements of the celebration in favor of the Christian ones, which are in extreme danger with our country maintaining a paltry incidence of Christians at a mere 76%. And why wouldn't I? I stand to gain so much from the effort, I really can't afford not to. But we need a shot in the arm. So I'm mining the great war-mongers of the past for material. What do say, Genghis? How would you attack Christmas?

Genghis Khan: Well, first I'd find a few stores that feature religiously neutral decorations, like holly, wreaths, and maybe even some Kwanzaa stuff, because they'd clearly be part of the war effort. I'd absorb them into my army and ride to a store that has the nerve to wish people "Merry Christmas" when they check out. While riding we'd drag yule logs behind our horses to kick up extra dust and give the appearance of greater numbers. When I arrived at the store, let's say it's a Wal-Mart in Texas, I'd explain to the manager that he can either surrender, or everyone in the store can be killed. Then I'd camp out that night, instructing my soldiers to each light 3 Christmas trees apiece instead of just one, again to give the impression of greater numbers. We'd probably light a few Menorahs as well, just to show how at war with Christmas we really are. Naturally, there would be no praying.

Continue reading...

Make hay when the sun shines. That's David Beresford-Redman's motto. After ignoring the media since his son, Bruce, who is a former producer of Survivor, was accused of murdering his wife in Mexico, David decided he'd make the media work for him. To sell cars. He handed out fliers to reporters the other day, promising an on-camera interview to the organization that found buyers for the three vehicles. The '03 Porsche Targa was described as a "gorgeous, fast, clean car". I've got no reason not to believe him, and I don't want to risk pissing his son off by bad-mouthing his car. Of course, the most interesting aspect of this story is that DBR is one of those guys who wears brown-tinted sunglasses, which I thought only existed in pictures of my Dad and uncles from the seventies. The Beresford-Redmans are no relation to rapper Redman.

This would be the coolest thing to have witnessed. It also shows how most shark attacks occur in less then three feet of water.

Only three more weeks until I start behaving like an old Greek Orthodox widow.

American Apparel just ended their Best Bottom In The World contest; you can see the top three butts right here. There were over a thousand entries, and the winner will be flown to LA for a special photoshoot, but if their really lucky they'll probably be sexual harrassed by CEO Dov Charney (yippee!)!

This competition is a little crazy. I mean, forget about the Top 3 Best Butts...here are the Top 20. For the life of me I cannot figure out what is wrong with any of these or how one can be better than the other. They all look the same and by "same" I mean I would shoot a dozen puppies just to see them in person. Don't believe me? Just try it, ladies! Come to my office and see what will happen!

But what about the big time losers in this contest? Did anybody really submit a butt that wasn't attractive? I clicked my mouse over a hundred times to find out.

THE TOP 5 UGLIEST BUTTS IN THE WORLD

Now, there were a bunch of people with scores of zero. We're not going to count those because they probably entered the contest late and their butts are just too nice to be losers, so we suspect there is a glitch in The Matrix. We just took the lowest of the scores that weren't 0.0. Here's what we found.

5. Carlos. Score: 1.24

Why did they let dudes enter this contest? A major fail on the part of the organizers. Plus, his photo is in black & white. Fail on top of Fail.

4. Alisa. Score: 1.22

I'm not sure where the ass is on this lady, or if it's really a lady. It could be a dude like Carlos. I don't really want to investigate any further.

3. JL. Score: 1.21

Hairy legs! A Sure winner we tell you (maybe in Afghanistan)!

2. Shyla. Score: 1.19

Am I missing something? Where is this lady's butt? Did it fall off on her way to the meth lab? I really want to know as to avoid the town she live in.

And the #1 Ugliest Butt In The World....

1. Raggedy. Score: 1.17

There is no cottage cheese in this woman's butt. It's pure milkshake. 2%. And thank God she's wearing black underwear. We don't really want to know what's happening behind that bikini.

(via American Apparel's Best Bottom Contest)

There are lots of websites on today's information superhighway, and many of them are stupid. Like the one we found today. It involves popular film actor Tom Selleck, lush waterfalls and tasty sandwiches. And wouldn't you know? The website is called Selleck Waterfall Sandwich! Well look at that! All three of our favorite things wrapped up into one!

There is a truism we have about the internet and it's this: Whatever you want, it already exists. This is 99% fact. If you don't believe us just head to your nearest Google and just start pounding your keyboard like a monkey. 

Here's a few pics from Selleck Waterfall Sandwich.

(via three frames)

I am Chuck McCarthy or Charles McCarthy.

There are lots of Chuck McCarthy's in the world, but one in particular really has me in a fighting mood. What Chuck? The retired MMA fighter Charles/Chuck "Chainsaw" McCarthy.

Sure, I dominate Google searches for "Chuck McCarthy" but if you search "Charles McCarthy" this joker's Wikipedia entry is the first listing to come up. This pisses me off for a few reasons. One, I have probably played a more important role in the history of MMA in the United States than him (I refuse to back this statement up with any facts). Two, I don't have a Wikipedia entry. I've been on TV, on the radio, in magazines, and I've definitely been on the Internet... a LOT. Three, I am bigger and proabably tougher than this... this "Chainsaw." Four, where is my cool nickname? Don't I deserve a cool nickname? Haven't I at least earned that?

What am I going to do?

I can't fight Wikipedia. I can't fight Google. Well, I could, but not with my fists... and I don't think winning either of these fights would garner me a tough guy nickname like "Chainsaw."

What am I going to do?

An open letter to Charles "Chainsaw" McCarthy:

Dear Charles,

Charles "Chainsaw" McCarthy! I'm calling you out! I dare you to come out of retirement for one last fight against me for the rights to your Wikipedia entry, Google listing dominance, and nickname!

Obviously we will both need to get back in shape and train for a couple of months. I will probably try to get Forest Griffin to train me. I guess you can train with your old trainer, or maybe Mr. T can train you.

Our training could be covered like the HBO series 24/7 - Chuck vs. Chuck 24/7.  People are going to get pumped over our grudge match, especially Conan O'Brien, Notre Dame fans, Chuck Norris fans, and fans of NBC's Chuck.

So you aren't in the fighting mood anymore, but come on Chuck, are you really happy sitting at home in Florida, playing C.O.D. and getting BJs from your 19 year old stripper girlfriend? There has to be more to life than that... Don't get me wrong, that does sound pretty good, but don't tell me you don't miss the thrill of the fight. Yeah, I know she probably does it while you are playing and talking smack on your "headset" to Kimbo Slice about "head shots", but doesn't the OCTAGON call to you still?

One more fight... come on girly boy.

Sincerely,

Chuck "Soon to be Chainsaw" McCarthy

P.S. We shouldn't let the fact that we both look great with our shirts off go to waste.

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration the next couple weeks!

Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes upon this sweaty, balding dude and his frumpy, snaggle-toothed wife. They are going to make a porno together. From the UK Sun:

Lisa Brand and Tommy Barnes have earned £1,300 from three X-rated movies and plan to make four more to raise cash for a beach ceremony in Cancun, Mexico, next June.

The pair, who have four children, have played a photographer and lingerie model who strip for a romp, and also appeared in a threesome.

Lisa, 34, even dripped hot wax on Tommy's chest at a motorway service station hotel to recreate a scene from Madonna's 1993 movie Body of Evidence.

She also spanked him with a paddle. She said: "I was laughing my head off.

"I have told my mum and most of my friends. They understand. It's always been our dream to have a fairytale wedding."

         Tommy, 36, added at Macclesfield, Cheshire: "It's our five minutes of fame - something to look back on whe we're older. It has brought us closer together."

Yeah, Tommy. Five minutes of fame and LETTING THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW that your wife is in desperate need of some teeth whitening and Invisalign. REAL SMART.

Hmm. We don't know about this. At first we were like, "Oh, Storm Trooper mid-riffs are hot!" And then we waited a second, looked at the girls one more time and were like, "These chicks look like they smoke three packs of cigarettes a day! Not hot!" What do you think?