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Stops woman from committing suicide.
In slow-motion.
In super slow-motion.
How do you stop something like that?
The road to professional sports is one of the most effective sociopath assembly lines in the world. Separated from their peers by talent as kids, pandered to as teenagers, and idolized as adults, today's college and professional athletes know that forgiveness is only one contrite press conference away. We keep track of their antisocial behavior and marvel at their sociopathleticism in the Sociopathlete Round-Up.

Sociopathlete: Sal Alosi, Strength and Conditioning Coach, New York Jets,
Former Linebacker, Hofstra
We learned today that Alosi has been suspended indefinitely (his suspension was previously scheduled to be up at the end of this season) when the Jets "found out" that he had ordered players to form a wall along the sidelines in order to impede Dolphins special teamer Nolan Carroll if he ventured out of bounds. Alosi stuck his leg out, tripped Carroll, and is now awaiting his sportsmanship award from Jets coach Rex Ryan. The other shoe may not have dropped in this case, since the notion of a strength coach taking it upon himself to order inactive players to interfere with punt coverage in an organized manner seems a bit far-fetched. If it came from above, or even from the top, this could place the entire Jets franchise in the pantheon of sociopathletics.

Christmas. Yeah, we're going there. I never said this would be a smooth ride. Christmas is of course the celebration of the day Jesus was born and placed in a manger because there was "no room at the inn". Seriously? Who was running this inn? Messianic prophecy or not, it's a couple who had a baby 5 minutes ago, you can't make some space? Hell wouldn't even pull that shit, and we're talking about a place that dedicates an entire high-rise to gleefully forcing glass shards under the eyelids of false witnesses.
Christmas is also the beginning of Christmastide, the so-called 12 days of Christmas, made famous in the song of the same name. Allow me to take a breath before going into this one. Let's think about this. The first 4 days, the singer's "true love" - and I put that in quotations because I'm not sure I buy that designation for reasons I'll explain - gives her (Yeah, her. I've lived so long I stopped counting my age when we went from Roman to Arabic numerals, and I can tell you this: chicks don't buy guys multiple swans. Sorry boys, ain't gonna happen.) a partridge (with tree), 2 turtle doves, 3 french hens, and 4 colly birds. The song seems to suggest that these things are stacked every day, so on the first day it's a partridge in a pear tree, and on the second day it's 2 turtle doves and a second partridge in a pear tree, and so on. I'm going to assume that's not the case, and that each subsequent mentioning of a gift is a reference to the original, and not a duplicate gift. If I'm wrong, then what I took to be merely absurd is actually whatever is above absurd. Preposterous?
And nothing is going to stop him.
She successfully flipped over. Too bad she didn't know how to stop.
Something like this, filmed in slow motion, suddenly becomes that much cooler.
Something like this, filmed in slow motion, suddenly becomes that much cooler.
Truly beautiful animation.
What's the deal with these tinfoil robot girls dancing to Daft Punk? Are they sexy? Are they dudes? Are they aliens from outerspace sent here to take all our Nutella and kill us? We have no idea! We're a little scared! But we can't stop watching. And dancing!
Kristin Cavallari once entered our dreams, held us at gunpoint and threatened to shoot unless we stopped pleasuring ourselves to her photos. Hilariously, we didn't comply with her demands because she was just an illusion with a watergun. Illusions with waterguns aren't scary at all, Kristin. Gawd, you're so stupid.

(via The Superficial)

April Fool's Day is amateaur hour, but that doesn't mean you should sit this one out. Everybody knows at least one sucker. Here are a few of our favorite Sabotages to help you in your April 1st pranks.
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