Evangeline Lily used to do commercials for a phone-date hotline. It makes unemployed insomniac TV-addicts seem less... desperate. No, not really.

This is the closest most of you will ever come to sex, enjoy it.

People who play Halo don't have sex… this is a waste of Bungie capital. As a stockholder, I say "Boo".

Puts a whole new spin on the term "Blood Diamonds"… menstruations jokes too tacky?

Candy Flavored sex toys are nothing new, but this is the first time you can stick candy corn up your corn hole.

Amanda Lepore, some sort of tranny, spilled its breasts during a recent red carpet walk. Sex is officially ruined.

This Halloween you can go as some dumb ass "sluty fairy", which we all know is just an excuse to act like a whore, or you can go as Wacko Jacko! Look at them eyes!

This guy is going to get so much ass tonight! Oh, he just threw up on himself? LIGHTNING ROUND!

Weather men are often overlooked as the newsworthy sex gods they are. That being said, we feel sorry for Pennsylvania. According to jumbo here they are in for a sticky weekend.

We beer sex pizza mile high nachos this commercial very much.

This commercial is an exact copy of how a 16-year-old boy's mind works; EVERYTHING implies sex.

With Sex and the City coming to HD DVD, everyone will be able to bask in the gloriousness that is the petrified face of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Lord! Its like 300 lbs of all beef hotness broiled over a bed of sex! Those vaguely human features, coupled with those tumor ridden arms is pure hotness.

Adrian was not only the coolest red head on the block, but he was a bona fide sith lord. With his trusty lightsaber in hand, he was guaranteed to fend off any unwanted vaginal advances.

Thank god! Finally a place we can take our families without having to deal with all those damned homos! We will never again have to worry about gay men breaking into our houses and having anal sex in front of our children or us.

On set of the new Sex in the City movie, Kim Cattrall is heavily marinated in WD40, allowing her to move properly. Being covered in foreign substances is something her character knows all too well.

Are you as revolted by the Meg White Sex Tape as this reporter is? We hope so.

You think you know sex? You don’t know sex like these two do. Why are you still looking at this picture, you are sick.

This one time at band camp, there was like sex everywhere. The G note was doing the A from behind. And the B-flat was blowing C.

Is it sad when an ad for condoms, depicting a sexual act, physically arouses you? Not that we have that problem...So what are you doing tonight? Please come back…