This week Philip Norris is appalled that Jessica Alba would destroy her body by getting pregnant.

Tracy Morgan is a non-stop comedic genius; he combines the jokes of a 12 year old with the delivery of an alcoholic like no other.

Jennifer Lopez continues to deny accusations that she is pregnant, furthering our thoughts that she is just getting really fat.

Christina Aguilera is pregnant, as well all know and her boobs are getting bigger by the day! Waldo now thinks they are a good place to hide.

Salma Hayek is apparently pregnant with a litter of puppies. She is so huge she practically has her own gravitational pull.

From drunk driving midgets to pregnant sandwiches, Philip Norris is bringing you the goods one celebrity jackass at a time!

Christina Aguilera is still swamped with rumors that she's three months pregnant, but one thing is for sure: she wants to get into acting! She's reading scripts; hopefully they're better than "Glitter," "Crossroads," and "From Justin to Kelly."

Looks like Kim Kardashian's butt ate Jessica Biel's booty. Then got pregnant. ***NOT A PHOTOSHOP!

Salma is with child, and with future husband. Dang, those Frenchies are fertile.

Jordan was spotted recently in large bikini top and not-so-large bump. Her belly's going to have to really work it if it wants attention away from her boobs!

At Saniqua's high school, being pregnant at prom was just about the coolest thing you could do.

Celebrity Ho-Bags are everywhere, and whether you’re a skanky ho-bag like Lindsay Lohan or a pregnant ho-bag like Britney Spears, everyone wants to be a celebrity ho-bag. Which one are you?

Will K-Fed’s alleged cheating be the straw that breaks the crying, pregnant camel’s back?

Food rules this week as Reese is fat, Bush is “Hungary” and Katharine McPhee can’t keep her lunch down.

This week Britney Spears might be pregnant, President Bush is unpopular with the polls, Scott Stap is a douche bag, and more signs of the Apocalypse.

This week Angelina Jolie is pregnant, New Jersey has a new slogan, Pam Anderson hates KFC, and David Hassellhoff is getting a divorce!

Spin the reel, pick a letter and try to solve the puzzle. This edition features story lines where a character is pregnant, or is just so fat they look like they’re pregnant.

Take our online pregnancy test and you'll know whether or not you're pregnant in less than five minutes.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

We show you two celebs and you tell us who you'd rather…you know! Compare your results with the rest of our visitors to see how your tastes match up.