This might be your problem.

As some of you may have guessed, my thoughts on Christmas are a little conflicted. It's not like I have a vendetta against it like some people think. I mean, good for them. They managed to co-opt the solstice celebration. I'm not crazy about it, but it's not like I don't put up a tree and a few wreaths.

The thing that drives me nuts is the Santa Claus thing. Namely the notion that I invented Santa Claus to take the spotlight off Jesus during his birthday. Some say his name is "Santa" because it's just "Satan" with the "N" placed in front of the "T". I feel slightly insulted by the notion that I can turn into a serpent on a whim and tempt Eve out of paradise, but that when concocting a campaign to influence every Christian child in the world for hundreds of years I would just spell my name with a few letters switched around.

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Christmas. Yeah, we're going there. I never said this would be a smooth ride. Christmas is of course the celebration of the day Jesus was born and placed in a manger because there was "no room at the inn". Seriously?  Who was running this inn? Messianic prophecy or not, it's a couple who had a baby 5 minutes ago, you can't make some space? Hell wouldn't even pull that shit, and we're talking about a place that dedicates an entire high-rise to gleefully forcing glass shards under the eyelids of false witnesses.

Christmas is also the beginning of Christmastide, the so-called 12 days of Christmas, made famous in the song of the same name. Allow me to take a breath before going into this one. Let's think about this. The first 4 days, the singer's "true love" - and I put that in quotations because I'm not sure I buy that designation for reasons I'll explain - gives her (Yeah, her. I've lived so long I stopped counting my age when we went from Roman to Arabic numerals, and I can tell you this: chicks don't buy guys multiple swans. Sorry boys, ain't gonna happen.) a partridge (with tree), 2 turtle doves, 3 french hens, and 4 colly birds. The song seems to suggest that these things are stacked every day, so on the first day it's a partridge in a pear tree, and on the second day it's 2 turtle doves and a second partridge in a pear tree, and so on. I'm going to assume that's not the case, and that each subsequent mentioning of a gift is a reference to the original, and not a duplicate gift. If I'm wrong, then what I took to be merely absurd is actually whatever is above absurd. Preposterous?

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In Charlie Chaplin's film "The Circus," a woman in the background looks like she’s on a cell phone.

My cats do the same thing. But, they're not too bright...they drink out of the tap until they vomit.

Unfortunately, if this happened in America, the teacher would probably be fired.

If she would have walked into an Apple Store she would have gotten a worse treatment. Go upgrade your phone.

Look. Yeah we're going to keep posting about Tiger Woods because that's the only thing on the news right now. So unless Jeff Goldblum dies in the next twenty minutes or we just fall alseep while writing this post, this is what you're stuck with so just deal.

So far there are SEVEN girls (or NINE, nobody really knows) who have come out and said they banged Tiger Woods. That's a lot of secret phone numbers to keep in your secret iPhone which will eventually make it's way onto the internet so that your secret sexy sext messages and nude pictures will be seen by the world! Respect!

In case you were wondering which of his mistresses is the hottest, we've got that taken care of for you. We're even going to add Elin to the mix because we're worried she'll be jealous (she's suffered enough!). This was a relatively easy task because the girls all have their own look. None of them really look the same. It seems that Tiger's only requirment for banging a girl was that she had a vagina - that's it! So here we go...

8. Florida waitress, Mindy Lawton. She looks like one of our alcoholic neighbors. "WUD YOU LIKKKE MEE TOOO SEDUSH UUUUUUUUUUU!"

7. Rachel Uchitel. This an old photo of her. In her new photos she looks like this, but more plastic. And less like her lips are made of liver.

6. Don't know what Tiger saw in Jaimee Grubbs. We guess it's kind of cool that she was in Tool Academy. Wait. No we don't. There is nothing redeaming about this chick besides her taste in short red clothes. Moving on.

5. Porn star Holly Sampson. Now we're talking. Now we understand why Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife: Elin obviously hated gay people. Holly Sampson supports gay people so much she's willing to wear a rainbow bikini on her boobs. That could be the only reason why he'd sleep with a porn star, right? RIGHT!?!

(click here to see the rest of the list)

Oh, damn. Hulk has a Twitter and he's been drinking (Jager? What exactly is Hulk's drink?). This is not going to end well. Someobody get MADD on the phone.

P.S. LiquidGeneration has a Twitter thang, too.

(via Bryan McKay)