If you're keeping track at home, Paris Hilton was denied a ticket to the Oscars, Gary Busey was given free reign.

This week Philip Norris reports on Paris Hilton's brother, Gary Coleman and the writer's strike.

An average of 11 people per theater when to see Paris' new movie this weekend. Those people were tricked by her Oompa Loompa PR man.

Reports of Paris being a lesbian are false, she's only into her own lady bits.

Hollywood’s favorite sluts have gotten themselves into a heap of trouble again! This time in a dance club! Also, see how Paris Hilton reacts when she tries to become a virgin! The drama!

This picture was made for Perez Hilton's automated draw splooge around the mouth machine.

Paris Hilton is modeling for Fila, their first major endorsement since Grant Hill in 1995. She looks as confused as us.

This week Britney, Paris and Jodie Foster get gay together, Scrooge McDuck is mistaken for Donald Trump and David Blaine is on drugs.

This week Britney Spears is knocked up, Tom Cruise is a Mommy, and Carson Daly is still a douche bag.

Oh Paris, that stunning shade of "Recently gave a blow job" red really accents your smile… and the fact that you're an idiot.

After months of China sending us all their ass backwards products, the US finally retaliated by sending over Paris Hilton, in a free container marked "Penis Enlargement Cream."

We are not quite sure what this is, but its somewhat cute and incapable of running away. The excellent pet for your favorite Socialite.

David Letterman sat down with Paris Hilton and asked her about the only thing he finds interesting in her career, jail time. The results are awkward and priceless.

Don't be too quick to assume the Juice has a friend in the nutjob at his lawyer's press conference yesterday. Jimmy Kimmel shows that he loves Paris and MJ too.

This week Philip Norris lays the smack down on Paris, Pavarotti, and Jerry Lewis!

Paris desperately holds tight to her last bit of dignity as she clutches a teddy bear and slips some nip.

Paris Hilton was violated as a hungry photog tried to snap a picture of her "ladyness". The pap, is now blind.

Paris Hilton has begun her promised change for the better. Here she is holding a baby without dropping it or feeding it Frosted Cocaine Flakes.

Paris went to a Playboy party last night dressed like Paris. Jail time can't keep a good slut down.

Perez Hilton tried to trick the world into thinking Hayden Pe-something was caught by photographers with a vibrator. I suppose he assumed no one would check the internets. Loser.