Seriously, you know you're awesome when you're partying with midgets. My friends had better take note: I want midgets at my birthday party!

Jason "Gummi Bear" Davis, larger brother of Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis, attended Paris Hilton's recent birthday bash in Vegas. It appears as though he pissed himself, as well!

Paris Hilton showed up at her own birthday party with what looked like foundation clumsily smeared on her face, and sparkle lotion glooped on her chest. Doing your make-up in the limo, Paris?

Her melons are looking meatier… did she get 'em done, or is that just a really good bra?

The "Parass Hilton" buttplug is a must-have for any celeb-obsessed loved one this season!

From "Paris Exposed" – her old boyfriend exposed her ass!

Here's Paris and Nicole, BFFs since they were wee ones. See, Nicole really IS black!

Paris' fake California ID. Crappy, crappy indeed. Yet better than the Ohio one.

Paris & Nikki Hilton and Nicole Richie are seen here posing with Michael Jackson. Weirder still is the old man next to them with the oxygen machine.

At one time, Paris used a fake Ohio ID. The weirdest part? It lists her eyes as green, even though she has naturally brown eyes and wears blue contacts!

Here's a surprise: Paris Hilton likes to get trashed with friends. And then she likes to take pictures of herself.

Paris's prescription for Valtrax pretty much seals the deal on all those nasty herpes "rumors."

More from the Paris Exposed files! She even enjoys corrupting her boy-toy!

More from the Paris Exposed files! It's official: she's totally baked!

More from the Paris Exposed files! She smokes weed in what appears to be a public café.

More from the Paris Exposed files! She's loading up a pipe from her bag o' grass.

More from the Paris Exposed files! Here she smokes a bowl in an elevator that's clearly marked "NO SMOKING."

When you're the world's sluttiest heiress, you have to pose everywhere you are. Even in a tanning bed.

Never one to dissappoint, Paris was just hanging out one day… and she was REALLY hanging out! If you know what I mean! (And I think you do!)

Paris Hilton’s belongings! We’ve found’em! You’ll want them! And most all – you’ll want to have sex with them!