When most older people get ready to head into the Great Big Nothing, they usually lose their minds and forget what the color blue looks like. They're rarely possessed by the spirit of a billion rabid dogs who bark like they eat children for breakfast. So yeah, we don't know what's going on here with this dude, but we don't want him within 50 miles of anyone or anything. 

Just like Photoshop cannot make Olivia Munn naked, Photoshop cannot totally make Britney Spears into the 20-year-old that most of us want to remember her as. Instead, we're left with Virtual Britney, a version of the popstar made by Candies, some clothing store for girls who will never look like Brintey. The photoshoppers tried to remove her cellulite, and we guess they were successfull. But sadly, they left us with something totally non-human. We prefer Britney's cottage-cheese infused ass to something that looks like it came straight out of Second Life.

(via Jezebel)

We've spent a lot of nights consoling friends who were having relationship problems, but most of them were old enough to count to five. This girl -- who goes by the internet name of Heartbreak Girl - is but a mere child with a physically small heart, YET her small heart has SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE, so much that it might explode due to heartbreak. And if it does ever explode, the little girl will die and she'll be buried in a small coffin and then you won't think this video is funny anymore. These are just the facts!

I think we can all agree that the BlendTec guy is getting lazy. His schtick is putting things in blenders to see if they can blend and it's getting a little old. To rejuvenate these bits next time we want him to stick his hand or penis - or even his whole body - into the blender to see what would happen. We think it might be a big hit! For now though you'll have to just settle for this iPad.

Have you ever had your happiness destroyed by a single sentance? Yes, we all have! That's why, as we watch this clip, we are filled with tears and frowns. We feel for this kid. We were this kid. We understand this kid.

Although we'd never be so gay as to sing Beyonce. I mean, WTF!?!

Warning! This spider will kill you if you get to close. Just look at this fat lady try and run from it; she doesn't stand a chance. The only way to kill something this big is to throw it a bone or a newspaper. We hear that works pretty well. Or just threaten to take it to the vet. Whatevs, just DON'T GET TO CLOSE.

Dude, we thought Amanda Seyfried was totally innocent the way she acts all innocent-like on Big Love. Apparently she's a big HO (just kidding! Not every girl who dresses up like this is a slut (only Heidi Montag and Lady Gaga!). Really we can think of nobody on Earth right now who is more beautiful than Amanda. It makes us want to buy a pair of whatever she's wearing so that we can be just as beautiful as her, too. Wait. That's the way it works, right?

More hawtness from Esquire right here.

American Apparel just ended their Best Bottom In The World contest; you can see the top three butts right here. There were over a thousand entries, and the winner will be flown to LA for a special photoshoot, but if their really lucky they'll probably be sexual harrassed by CEO Dov Charney (yippee!)!

This competition is a little crazy. I mean, forget about the Top 3 Best Butts...here are the Top 20. For the life of me I cannot figure out what is wrong with any of these or how one can be better than the other. They all look the same and by "same" I mean I would shoot a dozen puppies just to see them in person. Don't believe me? Just try it, ladies! Come to my office and see what will happen!

But what about the big time losers in this contest? Did anybody really submit a butt that wasn't attractive? I clicked my mouse over a hundred times to find out.

THE TOP 5 UGLIEST BUTTS IN THE WORLD

Now, there were a bunch of people with scores of zero. We're not going to count those because they probably entered the contest late and their butts are just too nice to be losers, so we suspect there is a glitch in The Matrix. We just took the lowest of the scores that weren't 0.0. Here's what we found.

5. Carlos. Score: 1.24

Why did they let dudes enter this contest? A major fail on the part of the organizers. Plus, his photo is in black & white. Fail on top of Fail.

4. Alisa. Score: 1.22

I'm not sure where the ass is on this lady, or if it's really a lady. It could be a dude like Carlos. I don't really want to investigate any further.

3. JL. Score: 1.21

Hairy legs! A Sure winner we tell you (maybe in Afghanistan)!

2. Shyla. Score: 1.19

Am I missing something? Where is this lady's butt? Did it fall off on her way to the meth lab? I really want to know as to avoid the town she live in.

And the #1 Ugliest Butt In The World....

1. Raggedy. Score: 1.17

There is no cottage cheese in this woman's butt. It's pure milkshake. 2%. And thank God she's wearing black underwear. We don't really want to know what's happening behind that bikini.

(via American Apparel's Best Bottom Contest)

Now that most of America has eaten their lunch (we don't care about you, Hawaii!), we can show you these photos of Quentin Tarantino sucking some lady's feet. In case you didn't already know, Quentin loves feet, which we find pretty disgusting because we just have to look at our feet to be disgusted by feet in general. Our feet smell like vinegar. Not lying. We put plastic bags around our feet to contain the smell and so that vinegar feet lovers don't try to put our feet on salads.

These are the plastic bags we wear around our feet to contain the fumes.

This is a pair of vinegar feet. You might want to run to the bathroom and vomit up your lunch right now.

Our old friend Chuck McCarthy is on the hunt for a job, a job of chronic masturbation and full-time sadness at ChatRoulette.com. Here is his application video. I reached out to him to see if he got the job, but he was in the bathroom with his laptop, masturbating of course.

Dear Southwest,

I was saddened to learn of the plight of Hollywood polymath Kevin Smith. It is unfortunate that as the world grows in size, airplane seating remains mired in an age of smaller, trimmer bee-hinds. Having been a Southwest fanatic since being old enough to purchase airfare, I would like to suggest amending the customers-of-size policy before a tsunami of lawsuits overflows my favorite airline much like customers’ cheeseburgers overflow your armrests.

I have always been perplexed by the arbitrary rules chiseled into air-travel. 50lb bags are ok but 50+a pair of shoes = $25. The armrest rule makes sense but the width of the armrests seems narrow for the times and the overhead compartments have been whittled into wedges that discourage no one from stuffing in their bulging closets. We need change. The country wants it. And being who you are, it should be you to trailblaze.

Unlike politics where the goal is to grow bigger and spend more, business change can happen economically. At your core, your business is little different from that of any parcel service. You shuttle parcels from point A to point B for profit. Yours only happen to have heartbeats. And whiney demands. And peanut allergies. But at the very very core, the business is the same. The heavier the load and the larger its dimensions, the higher the cost of freight. It simply costs more to ship Mr. Smith and his colleagues in circumference than a group of people gymnast-sized.

So how best to handle arbitrary body-sizes? Formulaically.

At the curb-side checkin, Southwest should install scales where the passenger, with all baggage will be weighed. The total weight is the burden of the airline based on which the fuel is purchased. Computers will also size up both the person and the carry-on and decide how best to seat them and how much space will be required to make things comfortable for everyone. Customers-of-width can easily be seated next to customers-of-length without too much negative effect. Since size is arbitrary, so should be the armrest widths, and all passengers can have the option to purchase as much width as they like on top of their required minimum. Analogy would be choosing the right-sized box for your parcel except the parcel is yourself. It must cover your shipment but beyond that, your box can be as big as your budget allows. All collected data will boil down to a price which would be the passenger’s fare. Those watching in horror as a Mr. Smith-size person lumbers towards that middle-seat will know that even though the flight will be unpleasant, Mr. Smith paid more for his than they did. He should considering his greater burden. Given that we humans are fairness-minded apes, that knowledge alone would make things better. At least until the TSA requires stasis for air travel at which point you’ll just be able to stack us up any which way. Just don’t beak our legs like you do our roller-wheels.

Love & Bacon Grease,

Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SFF - Southwest Fan Forever

http://www.helgasmailroom.com/

Me and Kevin, right before he ate that child.

Hey, it's me again. LiquidGeneration's illustrator and functioning illiterate. Hola!

So I came across this weird website, ChatRoulette.com. It's a website that connects you instantly with a random stranger. Only you don't just chat, you interact with webcam and audio (you have the option to turn these off, but I never do because I like being creepy). Sounds exciting, right?

I ran some numbers on the site because I like math. The average age of the people chatting is about 20-years-old, though I did see a couple of kids and a man with a beard so long and gray he reminded me of Santa (my hero!).

The gender ratio is really imbalanced. For every 20 guys there is 1 girl (and even a couple girls that are really dudes). Most of the people are just guys with a frowned faces looking pathetic and depressing. It depressed me even just looking at them for half a second.

There are some girls, however most of them are too ugly to get a date.  Then there are the mixed groups of guys and girls sitting at the computer together, which I guess is a little better than sitting there by yourself looking like a serial killer.

If people don't want to show their faces, they usually put signs up in place of themselves. They write things like "Tits or GTFO." I even saw a teddy bear wearing dark shades with a note that read "Cure My Blindness, Show Your Tits." So I did, even though mine are really small. The most shocking sign was "Show Tits for Haiti." I didn't do this because that would be wrong. And again, my boobs are really small and mannish so what would be the point? I'm not on the internet to upset people.

One of the more disappointing moments came when I chatted with a guy for a whole minute. I asked him to make a peace sign because I wanted to see if he'd follow my commands like a monkey, but he just smirked, flipped me off and disconnected!  

So go ahead, talk to strangers! It's fun!

Also! Here are my statistics for approximately 100 chats I had on ChatRoulette these past two days. "Others" consist of pets, stuffed animals and drugs. Yes, somebody wanted me to talk to their bong.

And just so you get a sense of the type of people going to ChatRoulette, her are some of our favs that we found during our chat sesh:

He's going to snipe your penis! Watch out!

NBA superstar look alike Yao Ming! :p

i wish they all could be California girls.

To all of you old timers who are sitting at home with no kids OR if you can't have kids, don't worry about it. There are always options. Always.

Just kidding! She's not fat at all! In fact, she's probably anorexic! Her name is Brooklyn Decker, and she's married to that tennis player Andy Roddick - that guy who looks like Stifler, who is that guy in American Pie who wants to bang your mom.

Some quick facts about Brooklyn, who we're thinking about stalking (because why not!).

-She's 22-years-old

-She's giving you major bone right now

-She's on Twitter - which means it's easy to find reasons why she might be really annoying. Like this reason:

But then we stop looking at her Twitter feed and stumble upon photos like this and realize that we can put up with annoying people, so long as they look like the hottest freaking girl in the world.

But then we remember we're not Andy Roddick, and we don't have six-pack abs and our name isn't something awesome like The Situation. We slowly realize we're totally never going to bang Brookly Decker. Then we cry. Then we go to Subway and order some fatass sandwich, not the healthy ones that Jared orders. Then we go home, cry some more while looking at ourself in the mirror and then turn on the computer to try and find naked pictures of Brooklyn Decker on the internet.

Eventually we end up like this:

Go ahead. Get your Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue fix right here.

So you've finally seen the iPad and made a tampon joke or two about it. But if my gut is telling the truth, then we're all going to be dead when the people at Apple Corporate murder us with their lazer beam eyes. Seriously! Have you checked out that iPad video yet? Here are some stills:

Senior Vice President of Industrial Design Jonathan Ive is responsible for make the things at Apple pretty. However, his eyes can see through your underpants and shoot amazingly designed lazer beams at your face, so watch out.

After he's done eating all the meat on your bones, SVP of Hardware Bob Mansfield, will kidnap your 13-year-old nephew and try to play video games with him. Or he might appear in Crimson Tide 2 - SERIOUSLY GUYS, DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE THAT ONE GUY? JUST A LITTLE BIT?

Scott Forstall, SVP of iPhone Software, will stare at you from across the room until you're completely naked. I kid you not. He will not leave until then.

Okay, stop looking at them. You know what I'm talking about. This is getting a little childish right now.

We have no idea what this lady is talking about here, but we just like watching her. We can put this video on repeat and just watch it FOR HOURS until the cops arrest us for being a loser.

Truth is, this spider is a REAL A-HOLE. Who does this? "Oh I'm gonna crawl on the ceiling and then scare a poor old man! My name is Spider and I'm so cool! Look at me guys, look at me"

Stupid spiders. I hate you.