Look, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this, and yes, just like you, I think it's kinda creepy and weird, but I'm pretty sure Dakota Fanning and I are going to start dating soon.

I have never met D-Fan, but after reading her interview in M Magazine, I feel like I have known her my entire life, or at least her entire life. She likes arts and crafts like knitting, and I have an art degree. Plus, my mom likes to crochet, which is like knitting for people who you don't want to trust with two sharp metal objects. She is a cheerleader at her high school, and I went to high school. She is in the Twilight movie series, and I want to be in the last Twilight movie.

Okay, so those are all nice things to have in common, but you are probably saying to yourself, "Chuck, Dakota Fanning doesn't want to date you."

You're probably right. She probably doesn't want to date me.

GUESS WHAT. I don't want to date her either. I don't like blondes from No-Ho, and home schooled kids creep me out. I don't care if she isn't home schooled anymore (all information "dished" and "spilled" in the M Magazine article).

WE don't want to date each other, but...

...her parents, managers, agents, paparazzi, magazine publishers, Perez Hilton, and TMZ do (this is an curtailed list).

Everyone around her is itching for her to shed her little girl image and move into the role of leading lady sexpot. Just look at the latest cover of V Magazine. They are doing everything they can to turn her into the next Heather Graham. What do you think Hounddog was all about, or her playing an all powerful evil force to be reckoned with in the Twilight movies? But, it's just not working, and they are scrambling for options. Miley Cyrus has already pulled the showing a little skin for Vanity Fair stunt. She can't "accidently" send naked pictures of herself to the press like those other Disney girls, or do a porn like Paris Hilton, because she is still underage, and her parents could face some serious jail time for something like that.

What's left?

Dating an older man... a much older man. A man of mystery... Someone who would really have people asking why... no really, why?

Who is that man? Me.

If she started dating Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, or even Josh Groban, people wouldn't be all that shocked or interested. They would be interested, and a little disturbed by the age difference, but Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise didn't catch that much scrutiny over their ages. They are both famous and good looking, but imagine what kind of media hell storm would erupt if I started dating Tom Cruise... I mean D-Fan.

Things I couldn't figure out how to work into this blog post but I really wanted to:

1.D-Fan once played a young Ellen Degeneress.

2. Dakota is next to Montana.

3. D-Fan might be a C-Fan someday, keep reading M Magazine for the scooped spilled dishes.

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration the next couple weeks!

In what can only be described as pure Bonage Day at LiquidGeneration, we just received these photos of Heidi Montag. THEY ARE NOT EXCLUSVIE BUT THEY ARE PRETTY DARN SEXY, DEFINTELY SEXIER THAN JESSICA SIMPSON. WHO CARES ABOUT HER ANYWAY.

How much plastic surgery has she gotten? Supposedly over 10 surgeries in one sitting. But who cares about the details because the details are in her boobs. and everything else about her. We don't care that Spencer has turned her lower love-making extremities into a disaster area either. Sorry we sound like 12-year-olds right now, but really, just look at her.

And while we have your attention, Haiti needs your help. Do it for Heidi.

Here is something from 2009 that didn't suck. Enjoy.

This got me to thinking about drugs, steroids, etc. The other day Mark McGwire admitted to juicing, and as this amazing animation illustrates all types of drugs have effected the game of baseball, and sports in general throughout the years.

I think that what needs to happen is that we need to stop trying to stop people from doing drugs, and just have all athletes admit what drugs they are on, have them listed like any other stats.

"Oh, I see here that the pitcher today is left handed and takes lithium and synthetic cat hormones."

How many basketball players smoke weed?

No really, how many? I thought you knew.

The point is that Doc Ellis was able to throw a No No on LSD and speed, but you give that same combination to Randy Johnson, and you might just see a little girl get her head ripped off... I'm not talking about a stray pitch either. I am talking about him walking over to the crowd and ripping a little girls head off because he thinks she is a bag of Doritos and The Big Unit loves Doritos... especially blonde Doritos.  

We should just be told what these guys are operating on, so that we can fully appreciate their performances.

Did this make any sense? I'm a little F'd up on whippets right now... Got to get ready for my big ultimate frisbee game.

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration the next couple weeks!

A few months ago, I started doing a thing called Taste Test Tuesday. Every Tuesday, I try to taste some sort of  new and different restaurant or food. I showed, but didn't taste this candy, Juicy Drop Pop, in one of my latest videos.

Though most people didn't think twice about Juicy Drop Pop, one of my friends did some deeper digging, and using "Sight Beyond Sight" a.k.a. Google, she found a website for this candy.

This website features a commercial for Juicy Drop Pop that is well... see what Media Bites had to say in the most academic terms.

They tiptoe around this in the Media Bites breakdown of the spot, but I can only describe the commercial that they have up on the Juicy Drop Pop website as CANDY PORN. They even call it "Hardcore Candy," and don't even get me started on the Ed Hardy tramp-stamp tribal tattoo designs blanketing the website.

It's been a long time since I have seen something that made me feel so dirty... and if you know anything about me, you know that, that is saying a lot!

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration the next couple weeks!

I have no idea what Michael Jordan's been doing since he retired from basketball, but apparently he's been sucking at Twitter. Badly. Almost everyday. This peak inside his brain makes us believe that he might be the most boring super talented person in the world. He's defintely no Shaq, whose tweets routinely make us go lolwhut (lolwhu!?!). Here's a sample of the basketball legend's greatest non-hits:

Clearly, Michael Jordan is your 55-year-old mom with a huge crush on somebody.

This is the only he can say about the New Years? You ate too many shrimp. You're a legend and this is your only comment about NYE. Fantastic. At least we know we had a better NYE than somebody.

TWO HANDS TOGETHER, PEOPLE. LET'S CLAP IT UP. MICHAEL JORDAN DOES WHAT I DO EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT AFTER DRINKING A 24 PACK OF PABST.

Clearly, Gizmodo should hire this guy.

Ok, we have to hand it to MJ. This is a question worth asking. If you're 4-years-old. Or high. He was probably high.

If you'd like periodic updates from LG, you can follow us on Twitter @liquidgen. We promise to be just as boring as MJ and not spam you.

I am Chuck McCarthy or Charles McCarthy.

There are lots of Chuck McCarthy's in the world, but one in particular really has me in a fighting mood. What Chuck? The retired MMA fighter Charles/Chuck "Chainsaw" McCarthy.

Sure, I dominate Google searches for "Chuck McCarthy" but if you search "Charles McCarthy" this joker's Wikipedia entry is the first listing to come up. This pisses me off for a few reasons. One, I have probably played a more important role in the history of MMA in the United States than him (I refuse to back this statement up with any facts). Two, I don't have a Wikipedia entry. I've been on TV, on the radio, in magazines, and I've definitely been on the Internet... a LOT. Three, I am bigger and proabably tougher than this... this "Chainsaw." Four, where is my cool nickname? Don't I deserve a cool nickname? Haven't I at least earned that?

What am I going to do?

I can't fight Wikipedia. I can't fight Google. Well, I could, but not with my fists... and I don't think winning either of these fights would garner me a tough guy nickname like "Chainsaw."

What am I going to do?

An open letter to Charles "Chainsaw" McCarthy:

Dear Charles,

Charles "Chainsaw" McCarthy! I'm calling you out! I dare you to come out of retirement for one last fight against me for the rights to your Wikipedia entry, Google listing dominance, and nickname!

Obviously we will both need to get back in shape and train for a couple of months. I will probably try to get Forest Griffin to train me. I guess you can train with your old trainer, or maybe Mr. T can train you.

Our training could be covered like the HBO series 24/7 - Chuck vs. Chuck 24/7.  People are going to get pumped over our grudge match, especially Conan O'Brien, Notre Dame fans, Chuck Norris fans, and fans of NBC's Chuck.

So you aren't in the fighting mood anymore, but come on Chuck, are you really happy sitting at home in Florida, playing C.O.D. and getting BJs from your 19 year old stripper girlfriend? There has to be more to life than that... Don't get me wrong, that does sound pretty good, but don't tell me you don't miss the thrill of the fight. Yeah, I know she probably does it while you are playing and talking smack on your "headset" to Kimbo Slice about "head shots", but doesn't the OCTAGON call to you still?

One more fight... come on girly boy.

Sincerely,

Chuck "Soon to be Chainsaw" McCarthy

P.S. We shouldn't let the fact that we both look great with our shirts off go to waste.

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration the next couple weeks!

The newest greatest website on Earth, Nic Cage As Everyone, is kind of amazing. Zacolas Cage is a beautiful man.

Since it's premiere, MTV's "Jersey Shore" has received a staggering amount of criticism from the New Jersey Italian American Legislative Council. Caucus Chairman Joseph "Joey Ravioli" Vitale said the "wildly offensive" show promotes derogatory ethnic stereotypes. And in a letter to Viacom, MTV's parent company, Joey Ravioli demanded that the show be cancelled, and in exchange, he would "send you's some meatballs and Grigio."

Perhaps he should have sent an oaky Chard, because "Jersey Shore" remains on the air. And personally, I think MTV has some freshly waxed balls for keeping Mike's freshly waxed situation around. But more importantly, in the hysteria surrounding the casts' love of offensively smearing ricotta on each other's wife beaters and then licking it off (rather, it should be licked off and then spit into an al dente shell), the media hasn't even bothered to report on the most positive aspect of the show:

The young women of the cast. 

For far too long, MTV reality series have focused on drunk, slutty women with perfectly-proportioned, unattainable body types, so it's nice to finally see MTV choosing drunk, slutty women with far sloppier body types easily attained by the second semester of freshmen year. The big-boned women, Angelina, Jenni "J-Woww", Nicole "Snooki", and Sammi "Sweetheart" clearly have healthy appetites and spend most of their time consuming New Jersey's four basic food groups: Everclear, cranberry juice, ice, and calzones.

And instead of obsessively exercising on the treadmill for hours at a time, these all-natural ladies are showing girls everywhere that there are far safer more interactive ways to burn those unwanted ice calories off. Like spending time in the Jacuzzi, for instance. Simultaneously chugging vodka, removing your bra, and manually stimulating a situation, all while sitting in oppressive heat, offer a superb cardio session. And though not scientifically proven, it may also help you take a punch.

So step off, detractors, and give this show the friggin' respect it deserves, and don't trim the fat.

(Note: While Prongs has never actually watched "Jersey Shore", she did grow up in New Jersey, so any assumptions made above are not assumptions, but actual fact. Peace & Meatballs, Audi 5000.)

Someone really could have gotten us one of these for Christmas. Our ass is as flat as Lindsay Lohan's these days. Seriously. It's like somebody sucked all the lard out of it and filled it with year-old cottage cheese. It's disgusting. And potentially lethal.

We don't know why Michael Cera is hanging out with Jersey Shore's Pauly D, but we can only assume it's for a new movie role, where Michael plays an adorkably awkward kid from Connecticut who spends a summer at the Shore and fist pumps his way into the heart of every trashy, drunken whore on the boardwalk. There's also a hilarious scene where he enters a tanning salon and hijinks ensues! Here's to hoping.

More pics at Celebuzz. BTW, make sure to take our How Jersey Shore Are You quiz.

Passing this photo of the new Vanity Fair cover around the LG office, nobody commented on Tiger's buff body, his cool skullcap or piercing gaze. The commented on his nipples. They are weird. I agree. WTF are wrong with them? They look like some type of mashed up food or those things that cover the screws in the furniture you buy at Ikea. Who the hell knows what's going on with those things. First person to tell us what exactly Tiger's nipples look like gets a hug from me. My nipples are amazing.

If there's any way to start off the year and first week back from vacation, it's with Hayden Panettiere's butt. Legend has it that if you touch Hayden's behind with your finger and make her giggle, you'll recieve good luck for the rest of the year! Now smudge up that computer screen of yours!

See more of Hayden's behind at IDontLikeyouInThatWay.

If fat, pimple-ridden clowny chicks are your thing, then you'll enjoy some of this hot Juggalette-on-Juggalette moshing action. In case you're not in the know, Juggalettes are the female fans of douche-core rap group Insane Clown Posse. Your 12-year-old neighbor who looks like he's going to gun down the neighborhood? This is his favorite group and these are his future girlfriends.

In case you need more Juggalo laffs, this is the website for you.

Helga Mohammed el-Salami's New Year resolution is to get in shape.

Why don't fellow Muslims appreciate it?

Love,

Helga Mohammed el-Salami

http://www.helgasmailroom.com

(Be safe this New Year)

Things are going to be a little slow around here till the end of the New Year until we're done drinking and being annoyed by our families. So you might as well take a look through our archives, play some old games, watch some cartoons and generally reflect on the decade through what we made for you. We've covered it all -- Britney, Tom Cruise, Lindsay Lohan, Britney and Britney and Britney and Britney and Britney. Yes, we've basically just made from of Britney this decade. But it was fun!

We might periodically update the blog throughout the week if we run into anything exciting, so check back if you're bored or you've run out of alcohol!

There's a lot to be thankful for this year: the sun is still rising, the birds are still chirping and Lindsay Lohan is still with us. Let's all say a prayer for her and to many more years of her drug-fueled anorexic presence. 

This is Coco, rapper Ice T's girl. Many of you would laugh at a girl like this if you saw her at the gym. Some of you might even call her a slut, skank, whore -- all those horrible words used to denigrate women who don't look like your mom or sister or homely wife. You might say, "Well, I can't be with a girl like that because her boobs are too fake," or "I'd never bang a girl like that because it looks like her ass is stuffed with two giant pumpkins, which are stuffed with warm cottage cheese." Well, you're a liar. You're a big fat loser of a liar. We all know we'd marry a chick that looks like this. We'd give her all our money, we'd let her have 12 of our children. We'd do everything for her because a girl who looks like this deserves to have everything done for her. She's the one you've been waiting for all these years, she's the only one that could ever mean anything to you. Just look at her. Look at that ass. No Avatar effects here. Everything you see is real. Now stop judging Coco...stop judging Ice T. Go forth and find someone just like Coco and hold on to her ass till your last, loving breath.

Yesterday PETA unveiled the latest ad for its "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign, featuring Bethenny Frankel, member of People with Extraordinarily Little Talent Society (PELTS).

My Cheetah-lined hat is off to you, PETA, because your ads continue to intrigue me. I find myself thinking, as I cut into my still-mooing T-Bone, "Who is PETA's demographic?" Considering your recent choice of spokespeople, I can only assume that your research, presumably conducted by underpaid monkeys at typewriters, shows that your core audience is people invested in reality television. How else can you justify burning our retinas with the likes of Steve-O, Khloe Kardashian, and Karina Smirnoff? (You know it's bad when your last name is a brand and they still don't want you.)

It makes sense though. PETA's invasive studies done on bunnies, show that reality TV viewers are far less intelligent people who can be more easily swayed into giving up those necessary extravagances like fitted Dalmatian tees adorned with hamster noses, and squirrel-tail tampons.

And as for the rest of us, the nod-and-wink, upper-crust "Adult Swim" viewer? Manatee flippers make for a lovely corset.

Fantasies really do come true. We've been dreaming of having a girl fart on us now for at least 10 years. This girl better answer this guy back. And then she better call us.