There really is no way to prepare you for what you're about to see, so just watch this. It was sent to us via Chuck, who would like you to know that this is the type of porn he's really into these days. This and cute cat videos.

In what can only be described as pure Bonage Day at LiquidGeneration, we just received these photos of Heidi Montag. THEY ARE NOT EXCLUSVIE BUT THEY ARE PRETTY DARN SEXY, DEFINTELY SEXIER THAN JESSICA SIMPSON. WHO CARES ABOUT HER ANYWAY.

How much plastic surgery has she gotten? Supposedly over 10 surgeries in one sitting. But who cares about the details because the details are in her boobs. and everything else about her. We don't care that Spencer has turned her lower love-making extremities into a disaster area either. Sorry we sound like 12-year-olds right now, but really, just look at her.

And while we have your attention, Haiti needs your help. Do it for Heidi.

Here is something from 2009 that didn't suck. Enjoy.

This got me to thinking about drugs, steroids, etc. The other day Mark McGwire admitted to juicing, and as this amazing animation illustrates all types of drugs have effected the game of baseball, and sports in general throughout the years.

I think that what needs to happen is that we need to stop trying to stop people from doing drugs, and just have all athletes admit what drugs they are on, have them listed like any other stats.

"Oh, I see here that the pitcher today is left handed and takes lithium and synthetic cat hormones."

How many basketball players smoke weed?

No really, how many? I thought you knew.

The point is that Doc Ellis was able to throw a No No on LSD and speed, but you give that same combination to Randy Johnson, and you might just see a little girl get her head ripped off... I'm not talking about a stray pitch either. I am talking about him walking over to the crowd and ripping a little girls head off because he thinks she is a bag of Doritos and The Big Unit loves Doritos... especially blonde Doritos.  

We should just be told what these guys are operating on, so that we can fully appreciate their performances.

Did this make any sense? I'm a little F'd up on whippets right now... Got to get ready for my big ultimate frisbee game.

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration the next couple weeks!

Less than 5 pages into the magazine I came across this article about Serena Williams' recent tennis win against Mother Nature (must be Mick Foley's cousin).  Apparently, Serena shut Mother Nature out in straight sets, proving not only herself as THE dominant force in women's tennis, but also showing great ethical fortitude, as apparently Mother Nature has been trying to bribe her by sending her a gift every month.

If there's one thing we love about Mariah Carey - wait. There's really nothing we love about Mariah Carey. Her voice is horrible these days and it looks as though she's slowly turning into a troll doll before our eyes. The only redeming quality about her is that she loves to get drunk during some awards ceremony that doesn't matter. We don't blame her. Check this out...

Someone really could have gotten us one of these for Christmas. Our ass is as flat as Lindsay Lohan's these days. Seriously. It's like somebody sucked all the lard out of it and filled it with year-old cottage cheese. It's disgusting. And potentially lethal.

We totally approve of this union if only because TODAY IS THE DAY WE SEE PIGS FLY. TODAY ALIENS EXIST. THE WORLD IS FLAT. MAGIC IS REAL. GOD IS DEAD, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE SANTA IS REAL AND SO IS THE TOOTH FAIRY. EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE NOW.  AHHHHHHHHHHH.

Sure it's sort of a surprise that Meredith Baxter - the mom from Family Ties - is a lesbian. But that's hardly shocking in this day and age. WHAT IS SHOCKING, is that you can find NAKED BOOB videos on YouTube if they pass certain medical criteria and they teach you perverted things.  One of these videos features Meredith Baxter totally busting out during a breast exam. Yeah, not really that hot. But hey, you get to see her cans, though not right here because we like to keep it classy. If you know how to use the YouTube search engine, just go ahead and look for it.

Yeah, in addition to being a BIG FAT CHEATER he also loves to fart while playing golf. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS? WHEN TIGER WOODS WAS JUST A NICE GUY WHO LOVED TO PASS GAS AND HE WASN'T SUCH A DIRTY WHORE!?!

Ah, the good ol' days.

Hmm. We don't know about this. At first we were like, "Oh, Storm Trooper mid-riffs are hot!" And then we waited a second, looked at the girls one more time and were like, "These chicks look like they smoke three packs of cigarettes a day! Not hot!" What do you think?

And it makes us want to vomit! Thanksgiving is only two days away! Enjoy!

(via the awl)

Cook and talk show host Paula Deen (OUR MOTHER LOVES YOU FOR MAKING OUR WHOLE FAMILY FAT, PAULA!!) was recently assualted by a flying ham. We hate it when that happens. We were once walking through the super market and a box of Twinkies just landed in our mouth and went straight to our hips. Swear to God!

What's with courgars these days? They're either screaming out of your TV box or they're looking like complete idiots on the dance floor. And yes, but "idiots" we mean Katie Couric, and by "Katie Couric" we mean "why the hell are we partly turned on by these photos?" With the way our tongue is on the floor right now, you'd think every 70-year-old woman who drops her cootchie on the dance floor like this turns us on, but no. Just Katie Couric. We only have eyes for Katie Couric and those gams. THOSE GAMS. 

We're gonna go shoot ourselves in the head right now, or you can do that for us. Whatevs.

She's coming for you. Run.

And here's the cootchie drop. Oh lawd.

Yeah, that's the face. It totally doesn't scream "I'M WASTED 4 DAYZZZZ" or anything. No, not at all.

Click here to see the rest of the photos.

After hearing about a new movie called Twilight: New Moon and that it's kind of a big deal, LiquidGeneration contacted the nearest middle school to see if anyone was interested in writing a review of the movie for us. This is the review we received.

OHHH MY GAWWWWD YOU GUYS YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS BUT I SAW EDWARD CULLEN WITH HIS SHIRT OFF I CAN TOTALLY DIE NOW. I PRAY THAT HE COMES TO MY SCHOOL AND SWEEPS ME OFF MY FEET AND ME AND HIM CAN RUN AWAY AFTER HE MURDERS BELLA BECAUSE HE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH ME AND THEN WE KISS DURING STUDY HALL THEN WE HAVE SO MANY BABIES OMG THIS MOVIE WAS SO GOOOOOD.

SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOD. I CAN'T EVEN KEEP MY EYES OPEN RIGHT NOW ME AND MY FRO9ENDS WENT TO THE MIDNIGHT SCREENING AND WE ATE POPCORN BUT NOT MY FAT FRIEND ANGELA SHE SAYS SHE NEEDS TO GO ON A DIET BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO LOOK GOOD FOR JACOB!!!@!!!! LIKE REALLY, ANGELA, JACOB DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU EXIST YOU WERE A FANNY PACK TO SCHOOL AND YOUR FAT HE'S TOTALLY NOT GOING TO BE INTO YOU. MAYBE ONE OF THE GUYS FROM HARRY POTTER LIKE THAT FIRE CROTCH KID, BUT NOT JACOB. JACOB IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU ANGELA AND I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT BUT I'M SORRY YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SHOT BUT IT WAS SO NICE SEEING THE MOVIE WITH A BFF JUST LIKE YOU.

SPEAKING OF!!! I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE JACOB IS GOING OUT WITH THAT GAWKY SQUINTY FISH FACE TAYLOR SWIFT. WHAT KIND OF LOSER DOES SHE THINK SHE IS ANYWAY. EVERYBODY KNOWS JACOB IS JUST USING HER FOR SEX EWEWWWWW. SHE'S SUCH A DIRTY SKANK IF SHE WAS IN MY CLASS I BET SH'E GIVE  EVERYBODY AIDS WITH HER EYES. I H8 U TAYLOR DON'T COME NEAR ME!!!!!!

!!@!!@W!@!!@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY THING I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE IN THIS MOVIE IS BELLA. I'M SORRY SHE'S JUST SOOOOO STUCK UP ALL THE TIME AND SHE BITES HER LIP WHAT'S ON THERE ANYWAY? DO HER LIPS TASTE LIKE LICORICE OR SOMETHING OR IS SHE TRYING TO EAT A ZIT OFF THEM I BET IT'S THE ZIT. SHE'S TOTALLY NOT A GOOD PERSON FOR EDWARD HER FACE LOOKS LIKE A TROLL. WHAT DOES HE EVEN SEE HER IN HER? I REALLY HOPE SHE DIES EVENTUALLY BECAUSE EDWARD DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER DON'T YOUTHINK? I MEAN, I'M SORRY IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S SOME AMAZINGH PERSON WHO CAN COOL AND WILL CLEAN FOR HIM AND GIVE HIM EVERYTHING HE NEEDS LIKE I WOULD. I WOULD TOTALLY ROCK HIS WORLD IF HE MET ME I JUST KNOW IT...JUST GIVE ME THE CHANCE EDWORD YOU KNOW YOU'D LOVE ME FOREVAHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHH! CAN'T WAIT TILL PARTY 3 COMES OUT IT WILL BE SO MUCH FUN!!!

LOVE YOU.

This girl has an amazing talent that she's been working on since she shot out of her mother's womb. She can sneeze like there's no tomorrow. We totally wish we could do this so people wouldn't sit next to us on the airplane.

Excuse the dust around here, and all the little bugs and mispellings you're bound to find on our little corner on the internet. We're going to try something a little different today.

As part of President Obama's push to make more American teens read, he personally reached out to LiquidGeneration* to provide some word-based entertainment for you. Sure, you'll still see our award winning** animations and games, but you'll also see Words. Lots of them, as ordered by the Commander In Chief of the United States of America. So if you don't like it, don't be mad because we'll just ask Obama to bomb you. For the children. Because he wants them to learn how to read, through us.

Thank you for reading,

LiquidGeneration

P.S. - If you see anything you love or hate, we'd like to know about it. Just leave a comment below, or if you really want to make me upset and cry like a little girl, just shoot me a personal email: slippy@liquidgeneration.com.

*no he didn't

**Awards, as in the cookies our mothers give us each time we make fun of Lindsay Lohan. They hate her because she's one of those "fast girls." Their words.

Ladies and Gentleman, because we're a bit retarded and love a good throwback to the days when creating games that inflicted imaginary harm upon celebrities were not only frowned upon, BUT ALSO CELEBRATED (!), we have for you: Kill The Kardashians. For those of you who believe that this game is crass, wrong, disgusting and morally reprehensible: you are right. But you're also wrong, because we have no doubt - none in the world! - that you also believe Sponge Bob Square Pants is the reason your child is gay. Or something like that. Now to the offended, get back to work. For those of you who want to waste a little more of your company's time playing a fun game insteading of browsing Craigslist for bodies you can kidnap and keep in your closet, enjoy.

Play the game.

P.S. And yes, we still believe Kim Kardashian is one of the hottest woman in the world.