Exclusive photos of Kate Moss shagger Pete Doherty getting high! Kids, don't try this at home.

Still-skinny Mary-Kate Olsen looked stunning (as in, we're still stunned by this look) when she walked the red carpet wearing Kelly green, a dead raccoon, and a chestplate.

Finally! Someone got an Olsen twin to eat!

Seriously, I was freaked out by Mary Poppins as a kid, but never this bad!

Never fear, Kate Moss is off the gack. Hahahahaha, just kidding.

Okay, we get it. You love animals, especially flying rats. Katie, you look stupid.

Yes, but how old do you have to be?

No, Kate Moss did not snort a boatload of blow before filming this White Stripes music video. Or so we'd like to think.

Watch Kate Moss snort boatloads of scrumptiously delicious blow.

Finally, Chewbacca becomes an American, TomKat has boring sex, Mary-Kate quits college, and other stuff we really can’t remember right now.

Watch Kate Moss snort a boatload of cocaine. This is the uncensored version of the video, just the way we know you like it.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Here are some of the most mystifying Virgin Mary sightings ever captured on film. Kind of.

The day Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen turned 18 was probably the greatest day of our lives.

Norbit (Eddie Murphy) has never had it easy. As a baby, he was abandoned on the steps of a Chinese restaurant/orphanage and raised by Mr. Wong (Eddie Murphy). Things get worse when he's forced into marriage by the mean, junk food-chugging queen, Rasputia (Eddie Murphy). Just when Norbit's hanging by his last thread, his childhood sweetheart, Kate (Thandie Newton), moves back to town. In the comedy "Norbit," he'll show them all that nice guys sometimes finish first.

Do you have a special somone in your life? Send them a Norbit e-card! Norbit (Eddie Murphy) has never had it easy. As a baby, he was abandoned on the steps of a Chinese restaurant/orphanage and raised by Mr. Wong (Eddie Murphy). Things get worse when he's forced into marriage by the mean, junk food-chugging queen, Rasputia (Eddie Murphy). Just when Norbit's hanging by his last thread, his childhood sweetheart, Kate (Thandie Newton), moves back to town. In the comedy "Norbit," he'll show them all that nice guys sometimes finish first.