Visual effects in movies and television.

That guy laying on the ground has a lot of faith in his friend.

Yes it’s Tuesday, but that doesn’t mean the week is gone; we still have four more days to fail at everything we’ve set out to accomplish on Monday. Like telling you why this week is going to be awesome. Keep on reading, we have proof! 


1. There are 10 more days until Christmas. This means you have just enough time to shop for decent presents without everything being sold out (and don’t forget about free shipping). You still have time to make those cool photo books in iPhoto instead of buying another framed picture or those horrible electronic picture frames which never look good and never work. You have just enough time to send out Christmas cards and perhaps even hand write them instead of doing a Google search of “Fat Santa Sitting At The Computer” and sending it out to everybody like you’re Corky from Our House. There’s still time to break up with your girlfriend and not look like a dick (cut off date is, like, today tho). You can also take these 10 days to invite as many ladies over to your place as you can to watch Love Actually and try to get laid. Other Christmas movies might work, but this one is the best. And quickly, you have 10 days to eat, sleep, drink, smoke, gamble and commit just about any act of excess without it looking too bad. It’s Christmas after all.

2. Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are divorced. Now it’s in poor taste to celebrate any one's heartbreak, but please. This is not only a victory for the Free The World’s Boobs From Douche Movement, but victory for those us delusional enough to think they might someday have a chance with Scarlett.

3. THIS IS THE WEEK WE SOLVED AIDS - Kinda! An HIV-man who underwent stem-cell treatment transplant has been cured as a result of the procedure. This seems like good news for science and bad news for zombies because we’re gonna cure that ailment next! 


4. It’s this easy to rip off a casino these days. Remember in Oceans 11 when Brad Pitt had to hire a little Asian man and 10 other movie stars to break into a Casino and rob the crap out of it? Well it turns out that was all just a waste of fake, Hollywood money! All you need to do is walk into a casino with a motorcycle helmet on your head and in two minutes you’re a millionaire! 


5. You have 15 days to find or hire a date for New Years Eve. This is a long time to find a date, even for losers, which is why we mentioned you also hire a date because that is always more fun. 


Have a great rest of the week!

Christmas. Yeah, we're going there. I never said this would be a smooth ride. Christmas is of course the celebration of the day Jesus was born and placed in a manger because there was "no room at the inn". Seriously?  Who was running this inn? Messianic prophecy or not, it's a couple who had a baby 5 minutes ago, you can't make some space? Hell wouldn't even pull that shit, and we're talking about a place that dedicates an entire high-rise to gleefully forcing glass shards under the eyelids of false witnesses.

Christmas is also the beginning of Christmastide, the so-called 12 days of Christmas, made famous in the song of the same name. Allow me to take a breath before going into this one. Let's think about this. The first 4 days, the singer's "true love" - and I put that in quotations because I'm not sure I buy that designation for reasons I'll explain - gives her (Yeah, her. I've lived so long I stopped counting my age when we went from Roman to Arabic numerals, and I can tell you this: chicks don't buy guys multiple swans. Sorry boys, ain't gonna happen.) a partridge (with tree), 2 turtle doves, 3 french hens, and 4 colly birds. The song seems to suggest that these things are stacked every day, so on the first day it's a partridge in a pear tree, and on the second day it's 2 turtle doves and a second partridge in a pear tree, and so on. I'm going to assume that's not the case, and that each subsequent mentioning of a gift is a reference to the original, and not a duplicate gift. If I'm wrong, then what I took to be merely absurd is actually whatever is above absurd. Preposterous?

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The road to professional sports is one of the most effective sociopath assembly lines in the world. Separated from their peers by talent as kids, pandered to as teenagers, and idolized as adults, today's college and professional athletes know that forgiveness is only one contrite press conference away. We keep track of their antisocial behavior and marvel at their sociopathleticism in the Sociopathlete Round-Up.

Sociopathlete: Brett Favre, Quarterback, Minnesota Vikings
Brett Favre has the distinction of making the sociopathlete round-up merely by playing his sport. His massive ego demands that he keep the spotlight on himself for as long as the media will indulge him. His head coach was just beheaded. His team is 3 and 7 after losing to division rival Green Bay by a score of 31 to 3. At home. He's owed a minimum of 17 million dollars for this effort. And in case you didn't hear, he texted a picture of his penis to a woman who isn't his wife. And it was flaccid.

Sociopathlete: Tony Parker, Guard, San Antonio Spurs
In the "shockingly sociopathletic" category, a Frenchman turned out to be a lecherous cad. Tony Parker didn't cheat on his wife with Erin Barry, wife of former teammate Brent Barry, according to Parker and his people. They were just sexting. Thanks, Tony. For a second we though you were a complete fucking asshole.

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After a long hard weekend of laying in front of our television and picking our toenails, we need to relax. We're not superman afterall. WE NEED DOWNTIME AFTER OUR DOWNTIME. That's why we were tickled pink when we found Christina Hendricks in our Google Reader this morning. What a way to start the week! Also, this might be the FIRST TIME EVER we're buying Esquire Magazine.

(via Idontlikeyouinthatway)

Hey guess what, nerds! Being a dork is popular these days! In fact, nerding yourself up will get you rich! Laid! Jay-Z isn't your hero these days, it's Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg, right?

No?

That's what I thought. Still, this parody of Jay Z's Empire State of Mind preaches The Dream for all you socially enept people out there.

Stop holding your breath, people! The Conan has Twittered for a second time! What do you think? Does it hold up to the hilarity of the first tweet? Is the 2nd Twitt a Tweet That Can't Be Beat!?!

We kind of think he Jumped The Shark a bit, but okay, whatevs. He's has over 300K Twitter followers, while Jay Leno only has around 30K (LOL!). Maybe he knows what he's doing. We're not here to judge (LIES!).

BUT ALSO!

Conan's Squirrel is also in Twitterville, so make sure to follow him, too. HE LOOKS DELICIOUS!

Now that most of America has eaten their lunch (we don't care about you, Hawaii!), we can show you these photos of Quentin Tarantino sucking some lady's feet. In case you didn't already know, Quentin loves feet, which we find pretty disgusting because we just have to look at our feet to be disgusted by feet in general. Our feet smell like vinegar. Not lying. We put plastic bags around our feet to contain the smell and so that vinegar feet lovers don't try to put our feet on salads.

These are the plastic bags we wear around our feet to contain the fumes.

This is a pair of vinegar feet. You might want to run to the bathroom and vomit up your lunch right now.

When we first saw this picture of Mad Men star Christina Hendricks on the cover of New York magazine two things immediatly came to our mind: 1) This is the perfect women and 2) We will never have a shot at her because she obviously marries ugly douchebags, of which we are not because we were born with the handsome gene (this is a total lie. Everyone who works at LG is pretty much the ugliest person on the planet and if one of us were to come face to face with Mrs. Booby Hendricks, she would surely vomit into our mouths.).

And this is who's banging/married to Christina. I know! He's some actor I guess, and not even a famous one! His name is Geoffrey Arend and he looks sickly, like he might die at any minute.

THIS IS A LIE! I LIE I TELL YOU! SOMEBODY PHOTOSHOPPED THIS THING! I HATE YOU! I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!

I BET THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THIS JUST HATE TRANNYS AND THOSE WHO LOOK LIKE THEM! DAMN YOU, INTERNET!

WHATEVER,

Lady Gaga

3===)

(via cakeheadlovesevil)

Yes, we're not going to lie. We're going to go see Twilight just like everybody else is. However, we're buying up the 50 seats surrounding us because we don't want to sit next to the people in the videos below. It's not that we find them so annoying, we just don't want to share our tissues with them!  (Just kidding! (j/k again!) (j/k!) (no really, j/k!)

The Nutty Madam

The Chubster Spazzes

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