I once overdosed on sexy. But then John Travolta brought me back by stabbing my chest with a needle. I'm cool now.

"Illegal Aliens" is as big of a B-movie as you can get. And Chyna Doll's performance is worthy of a John Waters film!

Jared Leto got fat for his role as John Lennon's killer. Then he got skinny for his roll as rock music killer. Because he's a douche.

At a conservative political conference, the world's biggest tranny bitch, Ann Coulter, called John Edwards a bundle of sticks. The Fox network doesn't even care.

Cincinnati Bengal Chad John gives a locker room interview after a game, during which he sustained a heavy blow to the head. You think he might have gotten a concussion?

Pigeon John doesn’t play any “acoustic” business, but he still came up to our studios and rocked some live hip-hop with his DJ. It’s the kind of stuff that will get your head nodding and your brain smiling…I mean if a brain can smile that is.

I don't know what's grosser, that they're cutting her open in front of my eyes, or that she keeps demanding her baby like a junkie demanding heroin. Creepy.

The Hunter’s no more, Suri is adored, and Paris is a drunken whore. Philip Norris delivers the stories, but not via a C-Section.

Jessica bangs John Meyer, Israel’s bombs explode, and a polygamist leader blasts off to jail. Philip Norris has the stories – and he’s completely un-Photoshopped.

We'd scream too if we thought John Travolta from Battlefield Earth was holding us.

Watch R2D2 and C-3P0 act totally gay for each other.

This week your family celebrates a holiday, Elton John gets married, New Yorkers walk to work, and the inventor of the internets starts a blog.

Take a look at Elton John's wedding planner. It looks fabulous!

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Send this e-card to your friends, family, or even those you hate. A LiquidGeneration E-Card never discriminates!

It's time for you to torture the man who never became president.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

John Kerry’s campaign video is a pornographic masterpiece that’s fun for the whole family. Okay, maybe not. Still, after you watch it, you’ll want to vote for Kerry, like sixty times!

John Kerry and John Edwards just got married! See some romantic pictures of them when they first started dating and their lust-filled honeymoon.

John Hughes is responsible for all of your favorite ‘80s movies: FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF, BREAKFAST CLUB, and other classics. Are you like a character in one of his movies?