You can't lip-sync a nipple-slip, Ashlee!

Let's just say that if I died and they used Jessica's butt as the pillow in my coffin, I'd already be in heaven.

This "legal" weed is endorsed by Homer Simpson! D'oh!

Jessica Alba, Topher Grace and Flava Flav star in this award-worthy promo for the '06 Mtv Movie Awards.

Some perv at a Jessica Simpson concert decided to just film her mooseknuckle. Now we reap the benefits.

Jessica bangs John Meyer, Israel’s bombs explode, and a polygamist leader blasts off to jail. Philip Norris has the stories – and he’s completely un-Photoshopped.

Check out Jessica Simpson's new music video "Public Affair." It's filled with celebrities and boobs.

Star Jones wallows in self pity, Wacko Jacko moves to Europe and Jessica isn’t good enough for Dallas.

Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid and Jessica Simpson are not just a bunch of sluts – they’re a bunch of sluts on popsicle sticks! In this episode, watch them as they’re about to die in an elevator!

Nick is practically suicidal over Jessica Simpson – he’s gonna slit his wrists, then write a horrible song about it. Can you save him?

Everybody’s favorite celebrity sluts are back for another round of slutiness. This time Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid and Jessica Simpson talk about the latest gossip on their cellphones!

This week Michael Douglas lashes out at Bradgenlina, Jessica Simpson is almost preggers, Kanye West is the next Oliver Stone and more!

This week Jessica and Nick call it quits, President Bush gives a hilarious speech and Vince Vaughn is a drunk!

See Ashlee Simpson act like a drunken retard. Sadly, she doesn’t do a hoedown in this video.

This is why Nick Lachey kicked Jessica Simpson to the curb. It's better to cut your losses when you're ahead. Or a dick.

Here is proof that Jessica Simpson has some of the bounciest boobs in Hollywood.

Can you tell the difference between Jessica Alba and Abba? We can't and we have Abba posters on our wall!

See the Olsen Twins, Ashlee Simpson, Martha Stewart and other celebrities get their shot at being the next American Idol.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.