Have we learned nothing from Hollywood?

The most painful way possible.

The wrong way.

Cartwheels the whole way down the hill.

Hollywood is not always known for being racially sensitive. Here are some of our favorite racist blunders, miscastings, and stories in movie history.

Yes it’s Tuesday, but that doesn’t mean the week is gone; we still have four more days to fail at everything we’ve set out to accomplish on Monday. Like telling you why this week is going to be awesome. Keep on reading, we have proof! 


1. There are 10 more days until Christmas. This means you have just enough time to shop for decent presents without everything being sold out (and don’t forget about free shipping). You still have time to make those cool photo books in iPhoto instead of buying another framed picture or those horrible electronic picture frames which never look good and never work. You have just enough time to send out Christmas cards and perhaps even hand write them instead of doing a Google search of “Fat Santa Sitting At The Computer” and sending it out to everybody like you’re Corky from Our House. There’s still time to break up with your girlfriend and not look like a dick (cut off date is, like, today tho). You can also take these 10 days to invite as many ladies over to your place as you can to watch Love Actually and try to get laid. Other Christmas movies might work, but this one is the best. And quickly, you have 10 days to eat, sleep, drink, smoke, gamble and commit just about any act of excess without it looking too bad. It’s Christmas after all.

2. Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are divorced. Now it’s in poor taste to celebrate any one's heartbreak, but please. This is not only a victory for the Free The World’s Boobs From Douche Movement, but victory for those us delusional enough to think they might someday have a chance with Scarlett.

3. THIS IS THE WEEK WE SOLVED AIDS - Kinda! An HIV-man who underwent stem-cell treatment transplant has been cured as a result of the procedure. This seems like good news for science and bad news for zombies because we’re gonna cure that ailment next! 


4. It’s this easy to rip off a casino these days. Remember in Oceans 11 when Brad Pitt had to hire a little Asian man and 10 other movie stars to break into a Casino and rob the crap out of it? Well it turns out that was all just a waste of fake, Hollywood money! All you need to do is walk into a casino with a motorcycle helmet on your head and in two minutes you’re a millionaire! 


5. You have 15 days to find or hire a date for New Years Eve. This is a long time to find a date, even for losers, which is why we mentioned you also hire a date because that is always more fun. 


Have a great rest of the week!

Ellen DeGeneres sent her writer, Amy, through a Halloween maze at Universal Studios Hollywood. The result is awesome.

Rue McClanahan (1934-2010)

I'm not promoting anything, Homeland Security can worry about REAL things, but...tonight, West Hollywood will burn!!! People will take to the streets, move Betty White to an undisclosed safe house, and challenge Death to a duel. It'll kinda be a practice for the Rapture, since the same people will be around for both.

I'm not joking, does anyone have a visual confirmation on Betty White? This is not a drill, much like Highlander (a movie or TV show I've never actually seen), there is only one Golden Girl *sob*

It's a sad day for MTV and the world. The Hills is being cancelled. But don't cry because there is still one more season left. Plus, you have all of The Hills parodies we've made over the years. Watch below if you want to piss your pants (yeah, we said it!).

Also, The Hills Go To Paris!

Dear Southwest,

I was saddened to learn of the plight of Hollywood polymath Kevin Smith. It is unfortunate that as the world grows in size, airplane seating remains mired in an age of smaller, trimmer bee-hinds. Having been a Southwest fanatic since being old enough to purchase airfare, I would like to suggest amending the customers-of-size policy before a tsunami of lawsuits overflows my favorite airline much like customers’ cheeseburgers overflow your armrests.

I have always been perplexed by the arbitrary rules chiseled into air-travel. 50lb bags are ok but 50+a pair of shoes = $25. The armrest rule makes sense but the width of the armrests seems narrow for the times and the overhead compartments have been whittled into wedges that discourage no one from stuffing in their bulging closets. We need change. The country wants it. And being who you are, it should be you to trailblaze.

Unlike politics where the goal is to grow bigger and spend more, business change can happen economically. At your core, your business is little different from that of any parcel service. You shuttle parcels from point A to point B for profit. Yours only happen to have heartbeats. And whiney demands. And peanut allergies. But at the very very core, the business is the same. The heavier the load and the larger its dimensions, the higher the cost of freight. It simply costs more to ship Mr. Smith and his colleagues in circumference than a group of people gymnast-sized.

So how best to handle arbitrary body-sizes? Formulaically.

At the curb-side checkin, Southwest should install scales where the passenger, with all baggage will be weighed. The total weight is the burden of the airline based on which the fuel is purchased. Computers will also size up both the person and the carry-on and decide how best to seat them and how much space will be required to make things comfortable for everyone. Customers-of-width can easily be seated next to customers-of-length without too much negative effect. Since size is arbitrary, so should be the armrest widths, and all passengers can have the option to purchase as much width as they like on top of their required minimum. Analogy would be choosing the right-sized box for your parcel except the parcel is yourself. It must cover your shipment but beyond that, your box can be as big as your budget allows. All collected data will boil down to a price which would be the passenger’s fare. Those watching in horror as a Mr. Smith-size person lumbers towards that middle-seat will know that even though the flight will be unpleasant, Mr. Smith paid more for his than they did. He should considering his greater burden. Given that we humans are fairness-minded apes, that knowledge alone would make things better. At least until the TSA requires stasis for air travel at which point you’ll just be able to stack us up any which way. Just don’t beak our legs like you do our roller-wheels.

Love & Bacon Grease,

Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SFF - Southwest Fan Forever

http://www.helgasmailroom.com/

Me and Kevin, right before he ate that child.

Some of you may know that besides writing blog posts about teen superstars and my eventual relationship with Dakota Fanning, I am also a screenwriter. I have written four feature screenplays, and of course, like 99% of all screenwriters, no one has even ever volunteered to read one of my scripts, much less produce it or air it a global television network (not even Spike).

Now, I wouldn't call any of my scripts works of total genius. They have mostly been exercises in futility with the hope of honing a skill that I can later sell to other poor schmucks that think that their story is worth seeing brought to life by Zach Efron and Suri Cruise (Silly Saturday rated PG for simulated farting noises). This said, I do think that all of my scripts are entertaining, and are better, more interesting than something say... A MONKEY COULD PUT TOGETHER! But I guess some "chaps," or more so, some "chimps,"  over at the BBC would disagree.

Apparently some chimpanzees have made a movie, and the BBC is going to air it despite a very weak plot line, worse cinematography than "Death Proof," and a total and blatant disregard for a hundred years of film making. Breaking the rules is something every aspiring filmmaker should try, but you have to understand the rules you are breaking to be groundbreaking.

Of course, just like James Cameron's Avatar, people are going to ignore all these flaws because of the fact that the chimps were using a new and special "chimp-proof camera" camera or "chimpcam." So what?! I've got a "chimp-proof camera." It's called a Flip HD.

Where can I go from here? I have hit rock bottom. I will never amount to anything. Maybe I should just start writing my outlines and treatments with my own poop.

Seriously, guys, chimps, bros, I'd love to work with you guys. I really respect your work and I have an outline for a ten movie series about a monkey named HAX. The whole thing is very high concept, so I can't say anything else without a deal in place. You love bananas. I love bananas. We could run this town. It's gonna be... bananas. Oh yeah, I definitely think we can get Gwen Stefani on board to do the soundtrack... yeah, and Ryan Gosling has already expressed interest.

"Take your stinking paws off my film industry, you damn dirty chimps!"  -Chuck McCarthy

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration today! 

Very rarely do I ever have any serious desire to meet celebrities. This is partly because, like I pointed out before, I am pretty out of touch with pop culture, and partly because I have met a bunch of celebrities. Most of the time, they are very disappointing - douches.

Sitting here in my coffice (coffee shop + office) next to the Gaming Club (they play board games here twice a week) I don't feel too Hollywood, though I guess I am... since I live in Hollywood. But, I didn't move out here because it was my dream to hang out with Paris Hilton or pal around with Wilmer "Yo Mama" Valderama. These Gaming Club guys can get a little rowdy, but I can tell you from experience, they are much less annoying to be in the same room with than the Valderama.

This said, I have to admit that every once in a while I hear enough about a famous person that I actually want to meet them, to see what they are really like.

I have been feeling this way about Lady Gaga for a while now for a couple of reasons. First, she kind of reminds me of my week long high school ex-girlfriend Larkin Grimm (a weirdo musician in her own right) and a couple of other girl friends (friends that are girls). This feeling of familiarity is all about her general craziness and desire to dress to impress or offend. Second, she kind of looks like my old boss Suzie from Liberty Curio, a junk shop that I worked at selling junk on Ebay and Craigslist.

Recently (30 minutes ago after I read her Wikipedia entry), I started to feel a desire to meet Ke$ha too. I don't know how much of her Wikipedia entry is true, but she had me at "breaking into Prince's house." Anyone crazy enough to enter Prince's domain uninvited... wow. Throwing up in Paris Hilton's closet is pretty cool too. Plus, she is hot, really hot, and like me and Lady Gaga, she likes to hang out in her undies.

I know I said I don't like blondes in my post about Chuckota (super celebrity couple Chuck McCarthy and Dakota Fanning), but I am pretty sure that neither Ke$ha nor Lady Gaga are real blondes. Moreover, I just want to meet them, get to know them. Dating is a long way down the road. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I might hate both of them in real life.

Anyway, I decided that I am going to try to meet and hang out with Lady Gaga and Ke$ha. This is where living in Hollywood comes in handy. I am fairly confident that I can track them down. Los Angeles is big, but not that big.

I already found both of their Myspace profiles, and friended them. I hope they accept. Lady Gaga was online when I sent her the request, so maybe she will get back to me soon!

Let me know if you have any advice... or if you are Ke$ha or Lady Gaga, let's hang.

Look, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this, and yes, just like you, I think it's kinda creepy and weird, but I'm pretty sure Dakota Fanning and I are going to start dating soon.

I have never met D-Fan, but after reading her interview in M Magazine, I feel like I have known her my entire life, or at least her entire life. She likes arts and crafts like knitting, and I have an art degree. Plus, my mom likes to crochet, which is like knitting for people who you don't want to trust with two sharp metal objects. She is a cheerleader at her high school, and I went to high school. She is in the Twilight movie series, and I want to be in the last Twilight movie.

Okay, so those are all nice things to have in common, but you are probably saying to yourself, "Chuck, Dakota Fanning doesn't want to date you."

You're probably right. She probably doesn't want to date me.

GUESS WHAT. I don't want to date her either. I don't like blondes from No-Ho, and home schooled kids creep me out. I don't care if she isn't home schooled anymore (all information "dished" and "spilled" in the M Magazine article).

WE don't want to date each other, but...

...her parents, managers, agents, paparazzi, magazine publishers, Perez Hilton, and TMZ do (this is an curtailed list).

Everyone around her is itching for her to shed her little girl image and move into the role of leading lady sexpot. Just look at the latest cover of V Magazine. They are doing everything they can to turn her into the next Heather Graham. What do you think Hounddog was all about, or her playing an all powerful evil force to be reckoned with in the Twilight movies? But, it's just not working, and they are scrambling for options. Miley Cyrus has already pulled the showing a little skin for Vanity Fair stunt. She can't "accidently" send naked pictures of herself to the press like those other Disney girls, or do a porn like Paris Hilton, because she is still underage, and her parents could face some serious jail time for something like that.

What's left?

Dating an older man... a much older man. A man of mystery... Someone who would really have people asking why... no really, why?

Who is that man? Me.

If she started dating Josh Duhamel, Josh Hartnett, or even Josh Groban, people wouldn't be all that shocked or interested. They would be interested, and a little disturbed by the age difference, but Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise didn't catch that much scrutiny over their ages. They are both famous and good looking, but imagine what kind of media hell storm would erupt if I started dating Tom Cruise... I mean D-Fan.

Things I couldn't figure out how to work into this blog post but I really wanted to:

1.D-Fan once played a young Ellen Degeneress.

2. Dakota is next to Montana.

3. D-Fan might be a C-Fan someday, keep reading M Magazine for the scooped spilled dishes.

Chuck McCarthy is the mastermind behind IdeasByChuck.com, where he gives away great ideas in the hopes that you turn them into reality and remember to send him a small percentage of your profits. He Twitters here and Tumbls here. Chuck will be guest blogging for LiquidGeneration the next couple weeks!