This week Britney Spears is knocked up, Tom Cruise is a Mommy, and Carson Daly is still a douche bag.

After months of China sending us all their ass backwards products, the US finally retaliated by sending over Paris Hilton, in a free container marked "Penis Enlargement Cream."

David Letterman sat down with Paris Hilton and asked her about the only thing he finds interesting in her career, jail time. The results are awkward and priceless.

This week Philip Norris lays the smack down on Paris, Pavarotti, and Jerry Lewis!

Paris Hilton was violated as a hungry photog tried to snap a picture of her "ladyness". The pap, is now blind.

Paris Hilton has begun her promised change for the better. Here she is holding a baby without dropping it or feeding it Frosted Cocaine Flakes.

Perez Hilton tried to trick the world into thinking Hayden Pe-something was caught by photographers with a vibrator. I suppose he assumed no one would check the internets. Loser.

Blogger Perez Hilton succeeded in making Britney Spears look sexy and fit by comparison when he paraded hit fat ass around in a pink wig, flip flops, and a Cheetos bag. He even out-crotched her.

It's no secret that Paris Hilton has extensions – in fact, she's got her own brand!

LG's got the first footage of the Larry King Live interview with Paris Hilton! Best part: she's naked!

The lies Paris Hilton told Larry King. From the Tonight Show.

Srsly, enuff is enuff.

Paris Hilton gets escorted from Lynwood Monday night – a free woman!

Perez has all the gossip and celebrity vagina photos you could desire! Watch his adventures!

Mass exodus from a huge outdoor concert? People flocking to visit Paris Hilton in jail? Hard to say....

This week a new face is added to the LG news crew. Lou Berk, our crotchety newsman, speaks with Paris Hilton live from her Five Star Jail Cell.

To celebrate her stay in prison, here is Paris Hilton singing a song to the tune of Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues.”

The boobs of the girls who hate Paris Hilton – unite!

Stare at this image of Paris Hilton weeping in the back seat of a squad car, and feel the tranquility sweep over your body, cleansing it with its calming coolness. Om......

This morning (June 8, 2007) Paris Hilton was cuffed and taken by squad car after a judge has ordered her back in court.... and back to JAIL!!