Guess they didn't rehearse this part.

Well, it's happened again. You've blasted through another year and suddenly it's Thanksgiving again. We do a big Thanksgiving down here. It's a good holiday for a diverse crowd, since it's secular and you don't really need to explain much, even to people who have never heard of it. Have a big feast, open a few bottles of wine. Everybody "gets it". And holidays that center around cooking are big in Hell, since heat is easy to come by in a lake of fire that burns hotter than the hottest earthly flame.

I'm hosting this year like I always do. It used to be a real treat for everyone to come to my place, since I lived in the most exclusive neighborhood in all of Hell. Guests would make jokes like "What's the cover charge going to be?" But while my neighborhood was nice when I moved in, it's pretty shitty now. One of the hazards of eternity, I guess, unless you want to move every hundred years. Now the place is really run down and all the businesses have left. I knew we'd hit the skids when I drove by a Souplantation with my neighbor Ron and he said, without irony, "It would be really cool if we could get one of those". It's come to that. Now people make jokes like "Yeah, we'll be there, just let me get my flak jacket out of the attic".

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It's a pretty useless talent, but I guess cats aren't known for the practicality.

I guess she decided she was done.

I guess someone could have, at least, given her a head's up.

I guess more was going on, behind those bushes, than imagined?

I guess even tortoises' have fetishes.

It's been awhile since Jennifer Aniston's been on our mind, quite possibly because she' really boring and we never watched Friends. We also forgot how awesomely hot she was -- and still is apparently. Check out these photos from the set of her her new movie. She basically has the body of a 19-year-old, even though she's probably like 55-years-old. Our ass started to sag at 15, so well done Ms. Aniston. 

 

Girls, music, booze, a little girl? Something is not right here, and it's definitely not the alcohol. My best guess is one of the girls dancing is her other daughter.

Click Here to see some bad celebrity parenting.

This is who I guessed...

If you want your mom to disown you for awhile, I guess this is the way to do it. THIS DUDE IS OUR HERO.

Just like Photoshop cannot make Olivia Munn naked, Photoshop cannot totally make Britney Spears into the 20-year-old that most of us want to remember her as. Instead, we're left with Virtual Britney, a version of the popstar made by Candies, some clothing store for girls who will never look like Brintey. The photoshoppers tried to remove her cellulite, and we guess they were successfull. But sadly, they left us with something totally non-human. We prefer Britney's cottage-cheese infused ass to something that looks like it came straight out of Second Life.

(via Jezebel)

Finally. FIN-A-LLY. Our dream woman with the dream boobs and dream ass is single. Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are over. We don't know why yet, but we can only guess it has something to do with Reggie maybe realizing he's gay, because HOW WOULD ANY STRAIGHT MAN BREAK UP WITH KIM KARDASHIAN? We don't care if her brain is filled with Cracker Jacks or her family is bats**t insane or her stepfather's face looks like a lizard (Hi, Mr. Jenner!). AHHHHHH! KIM KARDASHIAN IS SINGLE! Those words give us hope that our penis doesn't have to live a lifetime without the gentle caress of Kim's booby body.

Below are the only two photos of Kim Kardashian that really matter.

Hey guess what, nerds! Being a dork is popular these days! In fact, nerding yourself up will get you rich! Laid! Jay-Z isn't your hero these days, it's Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg, right?

No?

That's what I thought. Still, this parody of Jay Z's Empire State of Mind preaches The Dream for all you socially enept people out there.