We're sorry for ever making fun of you, Jessica. We mean it this time. You're not fat. You're not a lardass. You're amazing, and so are your boobs. They are what makes you amazing. Long live Jessica Simpson, long live her boobs.

Alert! Alert! Lily Allen is not exactly a fat slob anymore! She just might be bangable again! Alert! Alert!

Who would have known that fat Italian plumber would be a relationship expert?

And by "assets", of course, we mean the things that make Susan Sarandon less annoying as an actress, activist and overall human being. Here's a recent photo of her at the SAG awards, along with her daughter Eva Amurii.

What a comeback. Now all she needs to do is find her brain and she'll finally be complete.

He's looking as fat as former-fat-Britney everyday!

"I like to listen to Jock Jams. He's my favorite." Truer words were never spoken.

We'd rather workout and makeout with Richard Simmons.

And now for a big fat dose of ADORABLE.

It looks like Jessica Simpson might have gained some weight now that nobody really cares about her anymore. Unless she's just pregnant, which will make us care about her even less.

What happens when you're a fat guy and you touch fruit? You almost die!

At least he didn't do the Truffle Shuffle.

Just yesterday some fat dude tried to run off with Hilary Duff as she was swimming the ocean. Luckily, he later realized she wasn't a hamburger.

It's a sad day when you're hoping the strap DOESN'T fall any further down her shoulder.

Although it's safe to say pretty much every dude with a Sports Illustrated subscription has "loved" Eva at some point.

Look not even Rosie O'Donnell was this happy when she revealed she was a lesbian and you're not a good actress, so what's the deal?

Is it possible to give her the Oscar for "Best Actress Who Made Oneself Ugly" now so we don't have listen to her all year about how "hard" this was.

Thought meth made you skinny and scabby, not fat and flabby, oh well, still sucks to be you.

It's tough for a 46-year-old actress to get noticed.

Further proof that bullies never grow up, they just get uniforms.