Don't mess with him.

The Association of Finnish Lawyers knows the answer.

Something no one should have to see.

No one wants their wedding day to be a fail. When it happens, whether it's a Russian fight or a drunken mother of the bride, it's darn funny.

Trashes bar.

Christmas is about to sneak up on us again. When I doubt my gift selecting ability, I turn to tradition as a guide, ensuring that my gifts will adhere to the good, honest, decent American values that made this country, and the show Mad Men, great. That's why this year, I'll be giving Camel cigarettes. Former President Reagan's endorsement notwithstanding, I was initially skeptical of cigarettes as a gift, since they get so much bad press, but that was before I found out that more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette. So Merry Christmas everyone! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

Half of Saudi women are fat - "Nearly half of Saudi women aged between 30 and 45 years are fat and this makes them more vulnerable to heart diseases, according to a medical study published in a local newspaper on Monday." Mean.

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Lifehacker pretended to be a doctor last week and put together an article about What Alcohol Actually Does to Your Brain and Body. It's long, so grab a drink.

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Speaking of alcohol, doctors are now saying that it's okay to booze it up if you've had Heart Bypass Surgery. Though it's still hard to justify the hookers and blow.

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Men fake orgasms, too. "Several men in the study reported faking an orgasm because they had no other way to end a sexual encounter without awkwardness," says the Fox News article. Wait. FOX NEWS IS REPORTING ABOUT SOMETHING BEING FAKE. OMG, U GUYS!!!!1

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Neanderthals had a naughty sex life. This isn't a medical study per se, but it does confirm our suspicion that damn, we used to be a bunch of sluts, ya'll.

These kids have found the best way to kill time while waiting for the doctor...dance party!

'Atta girl...

There's a brilliant series of interviews with John Cusack on YouTube about writer Hunter S. Thompson. You really learn a lot about the drunken writer! Really! However, there happens to be one videos about Hunter that's better than almost every other video about Hunter and it's not even about Hunter! The video features Gary "The Teeth" Busey trying to talk about Hunter S. Thompson, but the interviewer isn't getting the directing of ther interview right, so Gary helps him out. And by "helps him out" I mean "act really crazy."

Also, this is the best comeback ever.

American Apparel just ended their Best Bottom In The World contest; you can see the top three butts right here. There were over a thousand entries, and the winner will be flown to LA for a special photoshoot, but if their really lucky they'll probably be sexual harrassed by CEO Dov Charney (yippee!)!

This competition is a little crazy. I mean, forget about the Top 3 Best Butts...here are the Top 20. For the life of me I cannot figure out what is wrong with any of these or how one can be better than the other. They all look the same and by "same" I mean I would shoot a dozen puppies just to see them in person. Don't believe me? Just try it, ladies! Come to my office and see what will happen!

But what about the big time losers in this contest? Did anybody really submit a butt that wasn't attractive? I clicked my mouse over a hundred times to find out.

THE TOP 5 UGLIEST BUTTS IN THE WORLD

Now, there were a bunch of people with scores of zero. We're not going to count those because they probably entered the contest late and their butts are just too nice to be losers, so we suspect there is a glitch in The Matrix. We just took the lowest of the scores that weren't 0.0. Here's what we found.

5. Carlos. Score: 1.24

Why did they let dudes enter this contest? A major fail on the part of the organizers. Plus, his photo is in black & white. Fail on top of Fail.

4. Alisa. Score: 1.22

I'm not sure where the ass is on this lady, or if it's really a lady. It could be a dude like Carlos. I don't really want to investigate any further.

3. JL. Score: 1.21

Hairy legs! A Sure winner we tell you (maybe in Afghanistan)!

2. Shyla. Score: 1.19

Am I missing something? Where is this lady's butt? Did it fall off on her way to the meth lab? I really want to know as to avoid the town she live in.

And the #1 Ugliest Butt In The World....

1. Raggedy. Score: 1.17

There is no cottage cheese in this woman's butt. It's pure milkshake. 2%. And thank God she's wearing black underwear. We don't really want to know what's happening behind that bikini.

(via American Apparel's Best Bottom Contest)

Hello. My name is David Portado and I'm in love with Snooki. I'm also one of the illustrators at LiquidGeneration. Excuse how illiterate I am.

Early on in The Jersey Shore, we found out that none of the Shore girls were shy, especially my favorite 4 foot 9 inches guidette Snooki, who tried to hook up with every guy on the show. Yesterday RadarOnline.com reported that there may be a Snooki Sex Tape or nude pictures on the loose. Thankfully!  However, Snooki took to Twitter to deny the pics and vid exist: "Like i said before about my supposed 'sex tape'...There are no nude pictures nor will there ever be. the tabloids just love snook gossip ;]"

MTV just gave the boobalicious cart-wheel-showing vagigi and the rest of the Jersey Shore crew members a new season, with 12 new episodes to shoot in the winter which will air sometime this summer. So get ready for more fist pumping, sex, and drunken bar fights! The whereabouts to where they're going to tape it is still unknown, but I'm sure it's going to be someplace warm like LA so I can molest Snooki.

The cast of Jersey shore is here in LA taping the Leno and Ellen show so we have set up a trap to capture her and tape her sucking her favorite thing, a big fat juicy pickle!

Now that's a snookuation!

Stay tune in case we end up capturing her. In the mean time, you can find out How Jersey Shore Are You? by taking the quiz.

A little trip to the doctor's office discovered this mess. How the hell does this happen?