Obviously, people had quite a few objections to this ad.

It's really a debilitating disease.

I hate to say "I told you so", but I've been a fan of breasts for many years, and now I know why. According to this CNN video, which I did not bother to watch, breast-fed kids get better grades. The title of the video makes one thing perfectly clear to me: before a test, put a boob in your mouth. Maybe even multiple boobs. And in case you disagree, I'd like to point out that I was breast-fed as an infant, which means I can never be wrong. Feel free to pass this on to any women in your life who have been stingy in their breast deployment. If they continue on that path, they're against education. Simple as that.

You're going to end up at a lot of parties in the next 10 days. Some good, most horrendous. Here  are a few tips for getting out of a couple bad holiday situations.

Problem: Bad Party with more old people at it than you expected. What I do: Guerilla warfare. There's a laundry list of things you can do to destroy a party from within. Number one is clog the main toilet. This can shorten a party by hours, and if it's a small apartment with only one bathroom, you could bring it to a screeching halt right then and there. The best way to do this is with paper towels. Toilet paper is made to break up in water; paper towels are made to keep their structure as well as possible. Smuggle paper towels into the bathroom. This might be tough to pull off; if people are around, do it one at a time, like how Andy Dufresne smuggled the pieces of his cell wall into the yard in Shawshank Redemption. When you have a bunch, flush 'em. Once the problem is known to the host, say something like "thanks for having us, looks like you've got your hands full, though!"
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The road to professional sports is one of the most effective sociopath assembly lines in the world. Separated from their peers by talent as kids, pandered to as teenagers, and idolized as adults, today's college and professional athletes know that forgiveness is only one contrite press conference away. We keep track of their antisocial behavior and marvel at their sociopathleticism in the Sociopathlete Round-Up.

Sociopathlete: Sal Alosi, Strength and Conditioning Coach, New York Jets,
Former Linebacker, Hofstra
We learned today that Alosi has been suspended indefinitely (his suspension was previously scheduled to be up at the end of this season) when the Jets "found out" that he had ordered players to form a wall along the sidelines in order to impede Dolphins special teamer Nolan Carroll if he ventured out of bounds. Alosi stuck his leg out, tripped Carroll, and is now awaiting his sportsmanship award from Jets coach Rex Ryan. The other shoe may not have dropped in this case, since the notion of a strength coach taking it upon himself to order inactive players to interfere with punt coverage in an organized manner seems a bit far-fetched. If it came from above, or even from the top, this could place the entire Jets franchise in the pantheon of sociopathletics.

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Yes it’s Tuesday, but that doesn’t mean the week is gone; we still have four more days to fail at everything we’ve set out to accomplish on Monday. Like telling you why this week is going to be awesome. Keep on reading, we have proof! 


1. There are 10 more days until Christmas. This means you have just enough time to shop for decent presents without everything being sold out (and don’t forget about free shipping). You still have time to make those cool photo books in iPhoto instead of buying another framed picture or those horrible electronic picture frames which never look good and never work. You have just enough time to send out Christmas cards and perhaps even hand write them instead of doing a Google search of “Fat Santa Sitting At The Computer” and sending it out to everybody like you’re Corky from Our House. There’s still time to break up with your girlfriend and not look like a dick (cut off date is, like, today tho). You can also take these 10 days to invite as many ladies over to your place as you can to watch Love Actually and try to get laid. Other Christmas movies might work, but this one is the best. And quickly, you have 10 days to eat, sleep, drink, smoke, gamble and commit just about any act of excess without it looking too bad. It’s Christmas after all.

2. Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are divorced. Now it’s in poor taste to celebrate any one's heartbreak, but please. This is not only a victory for the Free The World’s Boobs From Douche Movement, but victory for those us delusional enough to think they might someday have a chance with Scarlett.

3. THIS IS THE WEEK WE SOLVED AIDS - Kinda! An HIV-man who underwent stem-cell treatment transplant has been cured as a result of the procedure. This seems like good news for science and bad news for zombies because we’re gonna cure that ailment next! 


4. It’s this easy to rip off a casino these days. Remember in Oceans 11 when Brad Pitt had to hire a little Asian man and 10 other movie stars to break into a Casino and rob the crap out of it? Well it turns out that was all just a waste of fake, Hollywood money! All you need to do is walk into a casino with a motorcycle helmet on your head and in two minutes you’re a millionaire! 


5. You have 15 days to find or hire a date for New Years Eve. This is a long time to find a date, even for losers, which is why we mentioned you also hire a date because that is always more fun. 


Have a great rest of the week!

My consultation with Genghis Khan notwithstanding, the real front lines of this war are in Australia, where Victorian Premiere Ted Ballieu has taken on the Scrooge role and told everyone in Parliament that just because they're the government, they shouldn't be drunk on the job - even during Christmas! At least the article features a picture of a really cool tray that holds 8 glasses of beer. I bet that tray was headed to someone who, like Mr. Ballieu's colleagues, understands the true meaning of Christmas: making sure you pass out face-down in a safe area.

All mankind's dream.

The road to professional sports is one of the most effective sociopath assembly lines in the world. Separated from their peers by talent as kids, pandered to as teenagers, and idolized as adults, today's college and professional athletes know that forgiveness is only one contrite press conference away. We keep track of their antisocial behavior and marvel at their sociopathleticism in the Sociopathlete Round-Up.

Sociopathlete: Lawrence Taylor, former Linebacker, New York Giants
The real LT appeared in court the other day to claim that police violated his rights when they entered a hotel room he was sleeping in to seize evidence that he had paid a sixteen-year-old runaway $300 for sex. Court papers in a related but separate case say he admitted to sex acts with the girl. What they don't say is that LT didn't even practice soliciting prostitutes during the week, he just showed up on soliciting-prostitutes-day and made it happen. But at least he's taking it seriously.

Sociopathlete: Albert Haynesworth, Defensive Lineman, Washington Redskins
Brett Favre made the list last time for doing his job. Haynesworth makes it for refusing to do his. Coach Mike Shanahan suspended him for the final four games of the season without pay. Haynesworth didn't want to play nose tackle in the team's 3-4 defense. But he also didn't want to find a new team and give up his 21 million dollar contract bonus. So he just stayed on, but also didn't do his job - the best of both worlds. He also needed 10 days to pass a conditioning test at the start of training camp, showing that you don't need athleticism to have sociopathleticism.

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The road to professional sports is one of the most effective sociopath assembly lines in the world. Separated from their peers by talent as kids, pandered to as teenagers, and idolized as adults, today's college and professional athletes know that forgiveness is only one contrite press conference away. We keep track of their antisocial behavior and marvel at their sociopathleticism in the Sociopathlete Round-Up.

Sociopathlete: Brett Favre, Quarterback, Minnesota Vikings
Brett Favre has the distinction of making the sociopathlete round-up merely by playing his sport. His massive ego demands that he keep the spotlight on himself for as long as the media will indulge him. His head coach was just beheaded. His team is 3 and 7 after losing to division rival Green Bay by a score of 31 to 3. At home. He's owed a minimum of 17 million dollars for this effort. And in case you didn't hear, he texted a picture of his penis to a woman who isn't his wife. And it was flaccid.

Sociopathlete: Tony Parker, Guard, San Antonio Spurs
In the "shockingly sociopathletic" category, a Frenchman turned out to be a lecherous cad. Tony Parker didn't cheat on his wife with Erin Barry, wife of former teammate Brent Barry, according to Parker and his people. They were just sexting. Thanks, Tony. For a second we though you were a complete fucking asshole.

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The week ahead holds plenty of possibilities for any T.V. junkie. Here are a few picks you should definitely consider not checking out.

Monday: The Event. It has a backwards "E" in the logo! Don't you understand?! That is AWESOME! It has aliens! And intrigue! Assuming you were as enraged as anyone at the lack of accountability demonstrated in the storytelling of Lost, wouldn't watching this show put you neck-and-neck with a battered woman who meets her next boyfriend in a police drunk tank? The Event airs Monday nights at 9PM on NBC.

Tuesday: NCIS: Los Angeles. Person A: "Who's the special agent in charge here?!" Person B: "Chris O'Donnell." Person A: "I'm serious!" Person B: "So am I." Person A: "Wait, really?" NCIS: Los Angeles airs Tuesday nights at 9PM on CBS.

Wednesday: The Middle. Husband and wife. 3 kids. Oldest, jock. Middle, awkward. Youngest, precociously smart. Were you in a coma for the sitcom era of television? No? Oh, then never mind. The Middle airs Wednesday nights at 8PM on ABC.

Thursday: The Big Bang Theory. Want to see what T.V. writers imagine the extremely educated to act like? You don't have to. It turns out they act like every stereotypical nerd you've ever seen on television and in the movies.  The Big Bang Theory airs Thursday nights at 8PM on CBS.

Friday: CSI: NY. Hey, know what would be interesting? A police procedural about crime scene investigators! Sweet! Hey, know what would also be cool? If there was a version that took place in New York City. Can you imagine? A cop show in New York?! Where's our Emmy?! CSI: NY  airs Friday nights at 10PM on CBS.

Saturday: Click. In case you never saw one of the million and a half student films that tackle the concept of a television remote that influences reality, Fox is running Click, the story of a man with a television remote that influences reality. I wonder if he'll learn a valuable lesson in the end. Click airs this coming Saturday at 8PM on Fox.

Sunday: The Amazing Race. They've had 17 seasons. How can it be amazing if it's been done 17 times? I don't know, but I plan to not find out. The Amazing Race airs Sunday nights at 8PM on CBS.

In real life, alcoholism is a horrible disease (see Lindsay Lohan.) But hard-drinking cartoon characters are super cute.

It's been a rough day. The boss was riding your ass. That girl in class never gave you the time of day. Somebody took the last cupcake, that bastard. And tonight when you fall asleep you will eventually have to wake up and take a piss, ruining another night's totally-almost-perfect sleep. Don't worry, Sleepy. This video will take all your pain away. For the next two minutes.

Watch the video here.

Half of Saudi women are fat - "Nearly half of Saudi women aged between 30 and 45 years are fat and this makes them more vulnerable to heart diseases, according to a medical study published in a local newspaper on Monday." Mean.

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Lifehacker pretended to be a doctor last week and put together an article about What Alcohol Actually Does to Your Brain and Body. It's long, so grab a drink.

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Speaking of alcohol, doctors are now saying that it's okay to booze it up if you've had Heart Bypass Surgery. Though it's still hard to justify the hookers and blow.

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Men fake orgasms, too. "Several men in the study reported faking an orgasm because they had no other way to end a sexual encounter without awkwardness," says the Fox News article. Wait. FOX NEWS IS REPORTING ABOUT SOMETHING BEING FAKE. OMG, U GUYS!!!!1

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Neanderthals had a naughty sex life. This isn't a medical study per se, but it does confirm our suspicion that damn, we used to be a bunch of sluts, ya'll.

He's so wasted, he probably wouldn't feel getting hit by that truck.