Let's just say that if I died and they used Jessica's butt as the pillow in my coffin, I'd already be in heaven.

Classic SNL skit where "Tom Brokaw" tapes possible outcomes if Gerald Ford were to die. I personally like the wild dogs attack.

This custom PC is so badass, you'll think you've died and gone to geek heaven!

NERD DICE: When you're so socially retarded that doing anything is a gamble!

You know how bad you felt about Steve Irwin dying? Well prepare to feel a lot worse.

Oh, grandma gets so silly when she's drunk on her ass. Too bad she's gonna die soon.

Haley wrecked his car, Snakes switched to trains, and there’s no privacy at the sperm bank. Philip Norris is your man, although he’s too much of a pussy to go to the Middle East right now.

Here's an art house short film of Paris Hilton. It's so David Lynch dude. Totally. Indie till we die.

Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid and Jessica Simpson are not just a bunch of sluts – they’re a bunch of sluts on popsicle sticks! In this episode, watch them as they’re about to die in an elevator!

Watch this kid almost die. Hilarious!

Star Jones almost died this week from getting a boob job. In this episode, Philip Norris ponders a world without this very fat lady who annoys the crap out of all of us.

Do you have what it takes to be on the ultimate reality TV show? A reality show where you can actually die? Take this quiz to find out. Brought to you by Ratchet & Clank.

Watch what happens when people think a car is going to hit them. Almost dying is hilarious.

This week Bush will address the nation, Google loves the communists, Joaquin Phoenix almost dies, Chris Penn does die, and Clay Aiken is gay.

This year New Year’s Eve sucks, the donut man dies, New Orleans comes back to life, and your mom looks at porn.

These girls posed for our country while others died. And we salute them.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Watch the creators of LiquidGeneration eat themselves into a drunken stupor. Sadly, none of them choked on a pork chop and died.

The following stupid movie questions involve old people who are about to die (that means you, grandma!).

Find somebody with poor coordination and then watch them almost die when they take this test.