Mary Louise Parker helped promote her show Weeds by posing naked. Hey, whatever it takes, right?

This unfortunate chap got gored in the arse during the running of the bulls in Pamplona. And you thought he just had too much Ass-Kicking Hot Sauce!

Stick figure animations are the best! Simple, to-the-point, and adorably bloody!!

The Olsen Twins are now one chick, since both of them are basically half a person.

Still-skinny Mary-Kate Olsen looked stunning (as in, we're still stunned by this look) when she walked the red carpet wearing Kelly green, a dead raccoon, and a chestplate.

Finally! Someone got an Olsen twin to eat!

Seriously, I was freaked out by Mary Poppins as a kid, but never this bad!

It’s time to scare the crap out of your friends again with an LG Sabotage! This one involves a cop, a crash, and the sounds of bloody murder.

Yes, but how old do you have to be?

This is the raw footage of the New Orleans police beating. It's longer, funnier and bloodier than the original!

Finally, Chewbacca becomes an American, TomKat has boring sex, Mary-Kate quits college, and other stuff we really can’t remember right now.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Here are some of the most mystifying Virgin Mary sightings ever captured on film. Kind of.

The day Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen turned 18 was probably the greatest day of our lives.