Ladies, if you don't want to give your man what he really wants for Valentine's Day (Sex) at least get him a mandle.

Here it is, your moment of zen.

Stick with cheese for your mouse trap, the chemicals in Doritos turns small mice into Chuck E. Cheese.

Tonight on Fox News, "Skateboards causing small explosions, is this alternative sport safe for your child? Coming up next after Mass Effect: Sex Party, Special Report."

Cops need to be cool under pressure but casually crossing the street as a racecar buzzes your ass is beyond the call of duty.

Putting a refrigerator next to your couch would be too complicated.

When reporting on bird over population, always look directly up with your mouth wide open. That's where the real story is.

After you buy your sofa usually you have to go to a completely different store to pickup some chicken nuggets to eat while sitting on the new sofa. No longer!

For eight thousand dollars you can spend another 30 minutes sitting on your couch watching reruns.

Chris Bosh requests your vote for the NBA All-Star Team. We reccommend writing him in on every other ballot you see in the coming months.

Pretty sure the announcer says "Peanuts" at the end but after all that your "blank" is in my "blank" talk its hard to tell.

Man has his own style, you have to give him that.

Santa would put it under your tree but you were too busy being drunk to buy one.

Even if you've got your very own Hattori Hanzo, don't forget to take your cold medicine.

The little heifer will be seen in your Bell Grande meal tomorrow.

Get ur own crispy chickenz.

Because you always wanted to see your apples kick mayo's smug ass.

There's nothing your Pilot can't do.

What do you say when your 83 and arrested for soliciting a prostitute? Well you stash the blue pills and say your tool doesn't work anymore, that's what you do.

Did you know your trash was helping control the chipmunk population?