We feel silly for using our own hands to wipe our ass all these years. If we knew the Comfort Wipe existed, our life would be so much more awesome and our hands would be a lot less smelly. And brown.

If you're going to dress up as Spider-Man, make sure you're as tough as Spider-Man and not a total douchenozzle.

Why do people have to sexualize things like the simple art of stuffing a bear's ass full of fluff?

In these troubled economic times, nothing beats these guys if you want to pay absolutely nothing for nothing service.

The United States Secret Service has kicked so much ass over the years. Here are the ways in which they've served our country.

This is still payback for Al Capone's vault.

Noel kinda deserved getting his ass kicked. Oasis has been ripping off The Beatles for too long! It's time to stand up to those English bastards!

Wow, soccer fans can actually kick some ass. However, soccer still sux balls.

Gymnastic Olympic Alicia Sacramone is not only really hot, she can kick your little ass.

Here it is - the only time you're ever going to watch the WNBA this year. And don't think these ladies can't kick your ass, because they can.

Cops need to be cool under pressure but casually crossing the street as a racecar buzzes your ass is beyond the call of duty.

They'd both kick the Cloverfield monster's ass.

Josh Duhamel got Fergalicious on the Black Eyed Pee! Scrigity scrigity scratch!

Because you always wanted to see your apples kick mayo's smug ass.

This is the best hit on someone not playing football since Terry Tate was running around offices opening a can of whoop ass.

So apparently women are into baby flesh. Dad can only get Mom's attention if he shaves his face to resemble a baby's ass.

Slowly and calmly, this moron tries to rob a bank in front of the bank's security guard. A slaphappy game of grab ass ensues.

Baby Bruce Lee will kick your ass with adorable roundhouses to the face.

It is good to see minor leaguers are learning how to kick some ass. Hopefully they get called up and teach Barry or A-Rod a lesson or two with their fists.

Amateur stuntman Rod Kimble (ANDY SAMBERG) has a problem – his step-father Frank (IAN MCSHANE) is a jerk. Frank picks on Rod, tosses him around like a rag doll in their weekly sparring sessions, and definitely doesn’t respect him, much less his stunts. But when Frank falls ill, it’s up to Rod to stage the jump of his life, in order to save his step-father. The plan: Jump 15 buses, raise the money for Frank’s heart operation, and then…kick his ass.