Now that I kick butt at Fantasy Football, I find the sport much more interesting.

It's all cute and junk (I don't think we're allowed to say bad things about Sandra Bullock, at least not yet)...but the kiss is pretty lame. How could a kiss between Sandra Bullock and Scarlett Johansson be lame? See for yourself.

This weekend Lindsay Lohan went to the beach to test out the new beer gut she had installed in her stomach early that day. It can hold 3.5 more liters of alcohol and about 10 more Big Macs than her regular God-made stomach.

(via The Superficial)

This just proves it. 

 

It's been awhile since Jennifer Aniston's been on our mind, quite possibly because she' really boring and we never watched Friends. We also forgot how awesomely hot she was -- and still is apparently. Check out these photos from the set of her her new movie. She basically has the body of a 19-year-old, even though she's probably like 55-years-old. Our ass started to sag at 15, so well done Ms. Aniston. 

 

This weekend Steve Jobs and Gawker blogger Ryan Tate got into a little email fight where one basically accused the other of being an ass and the other responded by basically calling the other guy an ass, all because of nerd reasons that we won't get into right now. The only good little nugget from this email exchange is that Steve Jobs - the guy who makes the machine that you use to wank off on internet porn every night while pretending to watch Jimmy Fallon - is trying to protect your freedoms. Specifically, Freedom from Porn.

(image via topherchris)

Have big boobs? Want to be a total spoil sport and hide them from the world? Then the Cami Secret is for you!

This just breaking: America's sweatheart, Sandra Shark, has adopted a delicious baby. The baby weighs just 7lbs and is said to contain at least 70% meat, which sharks just love, especially the celebrity kind. This news comes just as Sandra Shark has confirmed to People Magazine her divorce from the head of Facebook's Adolf Hitler Fanclub page, Jessie James. CONGRATS, SANDRA SHARK!

Kelly Ripa's belly button looks like it's going to rip out of her abs and eat her face. DELICIOUS.

(via The Superficial)

No, it's not you idiot. Just because it's Monday doesn't mean you have to get all wacky. This is the real and next iPhone.

Also! We'd hate to be the poor bastard at Apple who lost this guy. HAPPY MONDAY, GUY WHO DOESN'T HAVE A JOB AT APPLE ANYMORE!

After a long hard weekend of laying in front of our television and picking our toenails, we need to relax. We're not superman afterall. WE NEED DOWNTIME AFTER OUR DOWNTIME. That's why we were tickled pink when we found Christina Hendricks in our Google Reader this morning. What a way to start the week! Also, this might be the FIRST TIME EVER we're buying Esquire Magazine.

(via Idontlikeyouinthatway)

Who cares that Larry King is getting a divorce or that he was banging his wife's sister. SOMEBODY ACTUALLY HAD SEX WITH THIS THING. THAT IS WHAT EVERYBODY SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.

We're really excited about Photoshop's new content aware thingy-majoo that makes it retarded-easy to erase things from photos like zits and people you don't like (hi, grandma!). However, one weakness was found in the new feature and sadly, we're going to have to recommend NOT UPGRADING to this version of Photoshop unless this bug is fixed.

(via Buzzfeed)

We don't care what the haters say about here. Heidi Montag is a near perfect example of what all humans should look like, even dudes. If there were just a bunch of people walking this Earth looking like Heidi Montag this world would just be a better place we think. World peace, no diseases except STDs, etc.

Look at this sexy R2D2. You think he has a girlfriend? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Yeah, right. WE KNOW.

To help promote her blah blah blah and whatever whatever whatever Jessica Simpson wore no makeup and NO BRA on the May cover of Marie Claire, which is a magazine for boring chicks. We kind of really, really, reallly like this.

Well, he has no sponsors except for the BastardCard, which exists only in our dreams. Tiger is at the Masters this week trying to make people forgot that he boned about 240 porn stars, waitresses and all around normals with big boobs and a love for eccentric sex play. We wish him luck with that.

There is no sense in running. There is no sense in lifing more weights to get stronger. Karate will not save you, and so won't Mister Miyagi. Whether you want her to or not, Serena Williams is going to kick your ass next time you look at her on the beach. Half woman, half muscle, Serena Williams knows what it takes to turn your flabby ass into a mash potato sadwich. 

More at Just Jared.

April Fool's Day is amateaur hour, but that doesn't mean you should sit this one out. Everybody knows at least one sucker. Here are a few of our favorite Sabotages to help you in your April 1st pranks.

Spanish Castle Illusion

Watch Out For Strangers

Your Friend Is A Facebook Slut

Color Vision Deficiency

Slow Motion Boob Flasher

Are You Going To Heaven or Hell?

Online Huntin

Woops. This just BREAKING: Nope, Ke$sha is not sexier than Grace Park.

Come to think of it, she kinda looks like that dude in Pan's Labyrinth.

For more of Ke$ha, see The Superficial.