Just kidding, fatso, she wants to give this guy a massage.

You might have thought that Anna Faris would be perfect for you because she seems like a regular chick and she's funny and seems to be into fat dudes. Well, you're right. Except for the part about being into you...she's into the fat dude pictured above, who she married over the weekend.

If you're wondering who Leighton Meester is, this is her. TMZ is reporting she has a sex tape that's being shopped around Hollywood. And it involves her feet. Sexy!

Lay off the cheesburgers, Jason Biggs. Just because you're not working lately doesn't give you a license to eat every studio head that doesn't put you in a movie.

This is Ryan Seacrest as a kid, and as you can see, he still looks really gay.

Here's Phil Spector's mugshot. You have permission to vomit now.

She's Brazilian, she's tabloid famous and what you really want to know, her butt measures 46 inches all the way around. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it if that's at all possible given the size constraints.

No, you're not seeing things. Those are a bunch of Princess Leias being hot and awesome and hitting each other with pillows.

This is Demi Moore and now you don't have a boner for her.

You don't have to see this girl's face; it's busted. Instead, look at the ocean...the beach...that dude with the towel on his head. If you like, you can also look at Shauna's boobs.

Kara, why did you hide what's underneath your clothes throughout the whole season? We find you a lot less annoying and totally pointless now.

Kris Allen looks so happy to be the next Ruben Studdard.

Just face it: you will never get a girl as hot as Hayden, just continue to be a big fat dork.

If you have to wear a bathing suit this summer, make sure you have boobs.

If you're looking for an older lady, here is your best bet.

If you wear this at the dinner table your parents will smack the crap out of you. FYI!

It's funny because it's true. And you're a loser.

In this recession you have to save every penny. Even if it means wearing your crappy underwear as a sports bra.

Sometimes it just takes a picture to let you know why American is awesome.

By smoking a joint, what did you expect her to plant a tree and drive a hybrid?