Why's it always gotta be one or the other with you Christina?

Dating her would probably cost more than keeping a Hummer fueled for the summer, hummers all cost the same, car or otherwise.

Here's hoping Kristen Bell never finds out where Hyde is or how wonderful cocaine makes you feel and spends her life innocent and signing autographs at comic book conventions.

She's either working for Chris Hansen or Billy Ray has a much harder job than we imagined.

Toe or no toe she does not look hot. The only people who would tell a girl this is a good look is another girl or a guy who is about to sex said girl.

She loves to get paid for sex or things relating to sex.

Kate Hudson may or may not be pregnant but she is definitely showing off her best side on vacation.

Either Angelina Jolie is pregnant again or her stomach has a boner for Brad's Indie Spirit, Robert Redford look.

Dear Crappy Dude from Razorlight, your band sucks, you suck, do not spread your suck to Hermoine or Ron will kick your ass!

An average of 11 people per theater when to see Paris' new movie this weekend. Those people were tricked by her Oompa Loompa PR man.

Always tough to figure out what it is she does, or why she's famous, but she does have long legs, so that's something.

Heath Ledger, 28, died today either from a drug overdose or an increasingly insane viral marketing campaign for the upcoming Batman movie.

Or at least that is what the Associated Press is hoping, guys already wrote up her obituary.

Either Clay Aiken is announcing he's out or the costume designer on "Spamalot" really hates him.

There's just something so natural about Heidi Montag in this picture. Maybe it's her breasts or just the way she's posing like no one is looking but she just seems real.

These are real titles of the History Channel's "Modern Marvels" series. Everyone knows cavemen had no "sticky stuff".

This purse says "I am strong and independent, back off". Or, "I am a terrorist, detain me without question for many years at a time."

Fat Tranny or Britney? Either way, you lose.

And now, for my next trick, I am going to install a sing on my ear that says "In case of altercation, pull this".

Fergie sang Live and let die at the Music something or other. She spent some of the time flying around the stage playing a rocking version of Quidditch.