America's Next Top Model is already tops in my pants! Er, I mean book!

This is my favorite move. Although I'm not an actual wrestler, and I use this move while naked. Don't tell my mom.

This was my favorite place to vacation as a child.

What's sexier than a massive woman mouth-raping a tiny, tiny man? Not much, my friend.

I swear my crazy uncle gave me this for Christmas.

Let's just say that if I died and they used Jessica's butt as the pillow in my coffin, I'd already be in heaven.

Hey, Turtle, call my shell-phone, we'll talk!

I would call this table sexist, if I didn't just LOVE what it does for my décor.

…And if you aren't wearing pants, there's a place to sit on my lap.

If you don't find this photo funny, simply look at the orange sign.

He was just trying to read her name tag! Really I swear!

Okay it's just a puppy. But he's napping on a water bottle and it's so freakin' cute I just crapped my pants.

Let's see… what shall I look like today? Where's my Jacko nose??

Freakin' dirty pervo Asians... Always taking pictures up my dress!

Exactly what my boyfriend loves!

This truck may only be a semi, but is fully pimped-out. Who needs trucker speed when you have 2,500,000 watts of neon keeping you awake!

Vroom, vroom, little turtle. Vroom, vroom.

Makes the zipper in my KangaRoos look useless.

"Here, honeyyyyyy, you nip's slipping out a littlllllle. Lemme just cover it ith my haaaaaand. We're hot even when we're waaasteeed."

"I'm Paris Hilton and I can do whatever I want… including walking my wasted friend out of my house at 6am in clothes I lent her so she didn't have to do the Walk of Shame in front of all these papparazzi."