...Are telling me to kill you.

Johnny hit the jackpot this summer when he realized he could fill freezer bags with grass-clippings and make a fortune selling weed to Jr. High kids.

A nice pearl necklace would really finish this piece off, and me as well. Oh my!

This horrified little baby is yet another victim of a knitting-needle wielding Star Wars fan.

Dina Lohan sure did look different when Lindsay was a baby... It must have been before the de-horse-ifying surgery.

You knew that already... but she never ceases to surprise me.

The *apparently* 15-year-old girl who was fake-raped on stage in Trinidad by rapper Akon has a MySpace page! She claims she's 19 and has slutty photos of herself in the shower. If you ask me, she was asking to be fake-raped.

Vic Becks recently showed off her bullet nips, but there was something else going on with her outfit... then it hit me – Vagina Power lady!!

Sacha Baron Cohen's smokin'-hot lady-friend, Isla Fisher, is with child. May the fate of Kazakhstan be saved!!

The answer: yes.

Sorry, but it's just kinda freaky to me!

I just love these outfits. This movie makes me want to be an ice princess.

I once overdosed on sexy. But then John Travolta brought me back by stabbing my chest with a needle. I'm cool now.

Tommy Lee got naked to promote PETA's anti-fur movement. That's fine with me!!

Eddie Furlong has really let himself go – and his poor baby is suffering with him!

Just say no. Or hit up the gym, once and a while, woman.

Baby-daddy Larry Birkhead has a tattoo of Anna Nicole on his lower back, just in case we weren't sure which side of the trailer park he's from. (It's the trashy side.)

Britney attacked a paparazzi-mobile and hit a photographer in the back – with an umbrella!

Britney attacked a paparazzi-mobile and hit a photographer in the back – with an umbrella!

Britney attacked a paparazzi-mobile and hit a photographer in the back – with an umbrella!