The award for Best Supporting Bodyguard in a Paparazzi Photo goes to “guy fondling his walkie-talkie with his eyes closed.”

It's good to be one.

From William Goldman to Diablo Cody you've come a long way screenwriters. How on Earth did you get studios to pay you when she is the "best" of the year?

Good news! We're no longer biodegradable living organisms.

There's a good chance Hell looks something like this. Go to church!

Eva Longoria and Posh have learned that athletes don't make the best lovers anymore, nerds do!

Paris Hilton is modeling for Fila, their first major endorsement since Grant Hill in 1995. She looks as confused as us.

Remember those pictures of her unfavorable backside? Well it seems Jennifer Love Hewitt's two best friends had something to say about that on the red carpet last night.

This little toy will have to substitute for Mommy Spears for a while, at least it will remind the kids why it is a good thing she's gone.

Britney may have had an "episode" last night but Hillary Clinton isn't feeling too good either after millions of dollars and being nice to Bill only gave her 3rd place.

Sometimes regular meat is not an option. If its good enough for America's mayor, it's good enough for you.

Rugby players are crazy. Why play a sport where you get the crap beat out of you, when you can stay at home and jerk off?

This must be how people in the middle east keep their camels from running away. It’s better than strapping bombs to them. Ailalalalaay!

Posing as a car seat won't get you across the border. Everyone knows that Mexican's are far too good a worker to be caught sitting for so long.

Crowds are good for many things. Free titty grabs are one of those things.

Marc Jacobs unveiled his new line of Arabian Sheik outerwear. The desert camel toe is ALWAYS a good look.

Santa knows when you are good or bad and he likes the later most. In fact, tie yourself up and put these cuffs on, Santa Claus is coming to town.

Good god, we have gotten so fat that our children are being born fat asses now. ABORT ABORT!

Good news! If the art here sucks, you can drink the crap away!

What happened Jennifer? You best pass that ass or we're going to change your name to Jennifer Love-Chewitt.