According to every penis in the world, this lady won the best butt of 2009.

Is that a penis or alien growing out of Kelly Ripa's stomach? Please, let us know, at it will help decide how hard we want to hurl.

Sometimes it just takes a picture to let you know why American is awesome.

Here's Larry Wachowski, the director of The Matrix. His name is now Lana and he wears your mom's underwear.

Is Lindsay Lohan attractive anymore? It looks like the skin is melting off her body and she has the ass of an old man. And what's with her Calvin impression? It's just kinda gross.

We'd love to skateboard on this if only to a rim job of the rails on a half pipe. (wait...we're trying to talk Sk8r. Did that make any sense?)

This is how she's feeding that deformed stomach of hers? That thing needs to call down before it turns into a TOOOOMER.

Rupert Everett allegedly got a face lift. Or two or five of them.

Celebrities! They're just like us - stupid sometimes! Here's a recent pic of Kim. She says she fell asleep in the sun with giant glasses on. LOLs.

See, this is the reason why Obama is so awesome.

Wonder whose butt would win in a game of tennis: Kate Hudson's or Anna Kournikova's?

1) Why the hell would anyone buy a magazine with Zac Efron on the cover? 2) Why would anybody buy GQ if this is the stuff they're gonna put on covers? And 3) You clicked on a picture of Zac Efron and that means you're gay.

Hugh Hefner's former fake girlfriend Bridget still looks pretty good for being almost 50-years-old. Much love.

We're not sure what these Rolling Stone magazines photos of a couple Gossip Girls is trying to infer here...they like licking ice cream? Candy? They like things in their mouths!?! What? We totally don't get this.

We totally couldn't beat the crap of Rihanna, though we tried.

Best dressed in 2009, for sure.

Oh, how can you accuse a face like that of committing genocide?

Somebody is a bit too eager to get a piece of Britney Spears' new body.

Obama might be gay...at least according to the Globe, who we believe almost 100% of the time when we're really drunk.

(rollover the picture to reveal the shocking conclusion to this picture's title!)