Confidence can truly make any outfit work.

Just kidding. We don't know if Lohan does meth, she probably doesn't. But we certainly know she has a meth face, which is the WORST kind of face if you're going to have any face at all.

And if you're nice she might even show you that she's wearing no panties.

I won't let myself fall asleep these days because I'm worried I'll have nightmares about this"

Just kidding, fatso, she wants to give this guy a massage.

BREAKING NEWS: Lindsay Lohan is going to give birth to a bag of cocaine!

Lay off the cheesburgers, Jason Biggs. Just because you're not working lately doesn't give you a license to eat every studio head that doesn't put you in a movie.

She's Brazilian, she's tabloid famous and what you really want to know, her butt measures 46 inches all the way around. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it if that's at all possible given the size constraints.

We'd love to skateboard on this if only to a rim job of the rails on a half pipe. (wait...we're trying to talk Sk8r. Did that make any sense?)

Yum! Gorilla Boogers make a delicious snack for any slob!

If this girl gets any more hot she's gonna blow up -- the world! Hey ohhhhhh!

And by "assets", of course, we mean the things that make Susan Sarandon less annoying as an actress, activist and overall human being. Here's a recent photo of her at the SAG awards, along with her daughter Eva Amurii.

But now she'll give you AIDS.

And the baby's first words are going to be "Wha Whaaaa!" Hey oh!

Lucky microphone.

Well, she didn't become a fatass after giving birth. But she is wearing a stupid hat.

Mad Men's Christina Hendricks will never give you to time of day, so just use this picture to look into her eyes and pretend she wants you.

How did she not know she was pregnant with a child that large!?!

The shocking thing is you don't have to feel guilty looking at her, she's actually 23 and far from starring in any actual High School Musicals.

It's a sad day when you're hoping the strap DOESN'T fall any further down her shoulder.