Coca-Cola, stars & stripes bikini, and stripper heels, that is a presidential platform we support!

Paris Hilton is modeling for Fila, their first major endorsement since Grant Hill in 1995. She looks as confused as us.

This week Britney, Paris and Jodie Foster get gay together, Scrooge McDuck is mistaken for Donald Trump and David Blaine is on drugs.

This week Britney Spears is knocked up, Tom Cruise is a Mommy, and Carson Daly is still a douche bag.

Oh Paris, that stunning shade of "Recently gave a blow job" red really accents your smile… and the fact that you're an idiot.

After months of China sending us all their ass backwards products, the US finally retaliated by sending over Paris Hilton, in a free container marked "Penis Enlargement Cream."

We are not quite sure what this is, but its somewhat cute and incapable of running away. The excellent pet for your favorite Socialite.

David Letterman sat down with Paris Hilton and asked her about the only thing he finds interesting in her career, jail time. The results are awkward and priceless.

Celebrities love to stuff their butts in bikini bottoms. Can you guess who each mystery butt belongs to? Hosted by Mr. Thong Song himself – Sisqo!

Don't be too quick to assume the Juice has a friend in the nutjob at his lawyer's press conference yesterday. Jimmy Kimmel shows that he loves Paris and MJ too.

This week Philip Norris lays the smack down on Paris, Pavarotti, and Jerry Lewis!

Maybe she wasn't entirely brain dead when she gave the answer heard 'round the net. Maybe she was just remembering how hot she looked in the bikini.

Paris desperately holds tight to her last bit of dignity as she clutches a teddy bear and slips some nip.

Paris Hilton was violated as a hungry photog tried to snap a picture of her "ladyness". The pap, is now blind.

Paris Hilton has begun her promised change for the better. Here she is holding a baby without dropping it or feeding it Frosted Cocaine Flakes.

Fake boobs aren't the only things Heidi Montag recently acquired. She also picked up some sweet wizarding skills at Hogwart's.

Picture yourself an awkward loner whose only talent is making balloon animals. Best thing to do: make amazingly intricate bikini out of balloons.

Paris went to a Playboy party last night dressed like Paris. Jail time can't keep a good slut down.

Well we know where the *peel* is, where's the rest of the banana??

Jack Nicholson is not one to let the young, hot, vacationing starlets get all the spotlight; he wants the tabs to get a load of his bikini body too!