Tom Cruise got fired, Israel is fired up, and Survivor is heating up… with racism! Philip Norris has the stories, unless he embarrasses himself trying to rap.

Lance is out, Al Qaida wants war, and the Tour De France is a crack house. Philip Norris is on the scene – unless he gets hit by the Girls Gone Wild bus.

Haley wrecked his car, Snakes switched to trains, and there’s no privacy at the sperm bank. Philip Norris is your man, although he’s too much of a pussy to go to the Middle East right now.

Will K-Fed’s alleged cheating be the straw that breaks the crying, pregnant camel’s back?

Is Suri Cruise an imaginary baby? Which game system is for racists? Which celebrity roof caught on fire? Philip Norris has the answers!

Food rules this week as Reese is fat, Bush is “Hungary” and Katharine McPhee can’t keep her lunch down.

This week Britney can chew gum and lie at the same time, Stephen Hawking is a cripple, Daryl Hannah was arrested, and Brad Pitt is making Zombie Movies.

Someone had sex with Anna Nicole and Batwoman is a huge lesbo.

What’s with Tom Cruise naming his Scientology baby Suri? How about Gwyneth Paltrow’s baby, Moses? Why do celebrities insist on naming their babies such stupid names?

The Mexican immigrants of the world aren’t being heard loud enough and Philip Norris has some ideas on who might lead them. Hint: one of them isn’t your mom.

This week Michael Douglas lashes out at Bradgenlina, Jessica Simpson is almost preggers, Kanye West is the next Oliver Stone and more!

This week Britney Spears might be pregnant, President Bush is unpopular with the polls, Scott Stap is a douche bag, and more signs of the Apocalypse.

This week Philip Norris and LiquidGeneration announce that they are calling a truce with Hollywood. Who do we want to make nice with? Who do we want to continue to bash? Tune in!

This week Philip Norris unloads on the real reason LiquidGeneration is moving to Los Angeles: to bask in the God-like radiance that is Gary Booth’s Toothy Smile.

This week Britney Spears almost kills her child, the world almost explodes, and other heartbreaking things that make you happy.

This week Hooters Casino opens in Las Vegas, a Full House actress is addicted to crystal meth, and there’s a Superbowl game or something.

This week Bush will address the nation, Google loves the communists, Joaquin Phoenix almost dies, Chris Penn does die, and Clay Aiken is gay.

This week Angelina Jolie is pregnant, New Jersey has a new slogan, Pam Anderson hates KFC, and David Hassellhoff is getting a divorce!

This week somebody kills Santa, Morgan Freeman stops racism, people search for Britney Spears on the internets and Kevin Federline drives a Ferrari. Not much going on.

This week Jessica and Nick call it quits, President Bush gives a hilarious speech and Vince Vaughn is a drunk!