Like you, Philip Norris believes that Perez Hilton is an idiot.

This week Philip Norris reports on Paris Hilton's brother, Gary Coleman and the writer's strike.

This week Britney, Paris and Jodie Foster get gay together, Scrooge McDuck is mistaken for Donald Trump and David Blaine is on drugs.

This week Britney Spears is knocked up, Tom Cruise is a Mommy, and Carson Daly is still a douche bag.

This week Philip Norris lays the smack down on Paris, Pavarotti, and Jerry Lewis!

This week a new face is added to the LG news crew. Lou Berk, our crotchety newsman, speaks with Paris Hilton live from her Five Star Jail Cell.

What happens when Britney, Lindsay and Paris get together for a night on the town? Lasers shoot out of their noonies.

Check out this weird commercial of a lawyer advertising on TV that he wants only one client: Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton’s belongings! We’ve found’em! You’ll want them! And most all – you’ll want to have sex with them!

LG has scored an exclusive interview with Paris Hilton. In the video she interviews none other than – PARIS HILTON! She’d make Barbara Walters proud.

The Hunter’s no more, Suri is adored, and Paris is a drunken whore. Philip Norris delivers the stories, but not via a C-Section.

Mel faces Jail, New York faces heat, and Paris faces the press (and looks dumb). Philip Norris has the latest, and doesn’t have sex with boys!

Philip Norris gives you the inside scoop on Lindsay, Paris and the fat sweaty guy no one likes!

This week Dubya’s poll numbers are in the toilet, Lindsay Lohan wants to get married, Paris’ boytoy crashes a Bentley, and more celeb debauchery.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.