This week Philip Norris defends a horny teacher’s right to sleep with one of his or her students. Sexy!

Eliot Spitzer will go down in history as one of the biggest idiots in politics... ever! And he loves whores.

From drunk driving midgets to pregnant sandwiches, Philip Norris is bringing you the goods one celebrity jackass at a time!

Check out this weird commercial of a lawyer advertising on TV that he wants only one client: Paris Hilton.

Britney’s hit rock bottom, and only our robot reporter can save her now!

Farewell Anna Nicole Smith. As we take one last look back at your life we take comfort in the fact that although your soul may have shaken off this mortal coil your silicone filled boobies will be around for centuries.

LG new has assembled a collection of Rachel Ray’s most annoying moments to prove once and for all that some one really needs to slap that bitch.

Lance is out, Al Qaida wants war, and the Tour De France is a crack house. Philip Norris is on the scene – unless he gets hit by the Girls Gone Wild bus.

Philip Norris gives you the inside scoop on Lindsay, Paris and the fat sweaty guy no one likes!

The Mexican immigrants of the world aren’t being heard loud enough and Philip Norris has some ideas on who might lead them. Hint: one of them isn’t your mom.

Finally, Chewbacca becomes an American, TomKat has boring sex, Mary-Kate quits college, and other stuff we really can’t remember right now.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.