This week Hooters Casino opens in Las Vegas, a Full House actress is addicted to crystal meth, and there’s a Superbowl game or something.

This year New Year’s Eve sucks, the donut man dies, New Orleans comes back to life, and your mom looks at porn.

This week your family celebrates a holiday, Elton John gets married, New Yorkers walk to work, and the inventor of the internets starts a blog.

This week the world got a glimpse of Jennifer Aniston’s boobies, winter storms made everyone stay indoors and talk to their families, and Mel Gibson does the Holocaust.

This week Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, but even more important they celebrate the new Xbox 360. We’re there to tell you about it.

This week Kanye West discusses his homophobia, Wal-Mart hires illegals, 50 Cent teaches us how to read, and Michael Jackson uses the women’s bathroom.

This week Dubya’s poll numbers are in the toilet, Lindsay Lohan wants to get married, Paris’ boytoy crashes a Bentley, and more celeb debauchery.

This week K-Fed’s rap song leaks on the internet, Leonardo DiCaprio breaks up with Gisele, and Mohammad Ali comes face to face with the Angel of Death.

This week a Star Trek cast member comes out of the closet, Stallone wants to do another Rambo, and there might be another crazy Jackson on the loose.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.