This week Philip Norris defends a horny teacher’s right to sleep with one of his or her students. Sexy!

This week Lou grills Harry Potter on the final book, and finds out whether he dies or not!

She's Brian Austin Green's girlfriend, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't respect her sexiest! Philip Norris has more...

This week Philip Norris talks about how Amy Winehouse hates everyone that's not white. What color is she anyway?

Jamie Lynn Spears has gotten herself all preggers! We do not need any more Spears children in this world!

Warning: Oprah Magazine’s response to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is not for the faint of heart (or stomach).

LG news takes a peek into the future to see what will become of David Beckham now that he’s calling California home.

Britney blasts out her second baby, The Pope blasts Islam and Madonna blasts off. Philip Norris knows it all – because he’s not a stupid woman.

The Hunter’s no more, Suri is adored, and Paris is a drunken whore. Philip Norris delivers the stories, but not via a C-Section.

Food rules this week as Reese is fat, Bush is “Hungary” and Katharine McPhee can’t keep her lunch down.

The hottest new baby – that’s NOT a Scientologist!

This week Bush will address the nation, Google loves the communists, Joaquin Phoenix almost dies, Chris Penn does die, and Clay Aiken is gay.

This week somebody kills Santa, Morgan Freeman stops racism, people search for Britney Spears on the internets and Kevin Federline drives a Ferrari. Not much going on.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.