Jamie Lynn Spears has had her illegitimate child. Congrats Jamie Lynn, you are officially more white trash than your sister!

Jamie Lynn Spears has gotten herself all preggers! We do not need any more Spears children in this world!

Soccer Star David Beckham and his hot Spice Wife have settled down state side. Who better to give them a proper American greeting than Philip Norris?

This week a new face is added to the LG news crew. Lou Berk, our crotchety newsman, speaks with Paris Hilton live from her Five Star Jail Cell.

Our interview team invaded the Star Wars 30th Anniversary Celebration, to ask fans about Star Wars weddings, crazy costumes, and Anakin's cooter.

LG got up close and personal with Will Ferrell and all the stars of the upcoming film Blades of Glory. Was Will able to handle our intense tag team interviews? Watch it and find out!

Haley wrecked his car, Snakes switched to trains, and there’s no privacy at the sperm bank. Philip Norris is your man, although he’s too much of a pussy to go to the Middle East right now.

Star Jones wallows in self pity, Wacko Jacko moves to Europe and Jessica isn’t good enough for Dallas.

Star Jones almost died this week from getting a boob job. In this episode, Philip Norris ponders a world without this very fat lady who annoys the crap out of all of us.

This week Britney Spears might be pregnant, President Bush is unpopular with the polls, Scott Stap is a douche bag, and more signs of the Apocalypse.

This week Britney Spears almost kills her child, the world almost explodes, and other heartbreaking things that make you happy.

This week a Star Trek cast member comes out of the closet, Stallone wants to do another Rambo, and there might be another crazy Jackson on the loose.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.