Philip Norris explains why Adam Lambert lost American Idol and why Americans hate the gays. Good Times!

American Idol is finally over. Now I can get beck to my normal life of listening to non-crappy music.

Paula Abdul screwed up and now everybody knows that American Idol is fake!

Soccer Star David Beckham and his hot Spice Wife have settled down state side. Who better to give them a proper American greeting than Philip Norris?

Did you see Simon Cowell roll his eyes at Chris Richardson during American Idol? According this video, Simon has a history of being a heartless bastard.

Watch your little girls when you watch American Idol – or else Sanjaya will turn them into the devil!

In LG’s exclusive new interview with drunken Idol host Paula Abdul, she gives us her spaced out ideas on The Middle East.

Taylor Hicks wins Idol. America wins a giant text messaging bill.

This week Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, but even more important they celebrate the new Xbox 360. We’re there to tell you about it.

Finally, Chewbacca becomes an American, TomKat has boring sex, Mary-Kate quits college, and other stuff we really can’t remember right now.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.