Philip Norris discusses what kind of lesbian Lindsay Lohan will be.

Philip Norris can't afford gas, and so can't you. It's okay, he has a couple solutions.

Philip Norris gets an iPhone! Unfortunately he can't activate it, so he gives some solutions on what to do with it.

Eliot Spitzer will go down in history as one of the biggest idiots in politics... ever! And he loves whores.

Lindsay Lohan got all nude on us for a photo shoot, and Philip Norris has a lot to say about it!

We did it. We caved in to your demands. Philip Norris has returned to the LG news desk and he has a year’s worth of stories to unleash his cranky fury on.

Watch your little girls when you watch American Idol – or else Sanjaya will turn them into the devil!

LG got up close and personal with Will Ferrell and all the stars of the upcoming film Blades of Glory. Was Will able to handle our intense tag team interviews? Watch it and find out!

Farewell Anna Nicole Smith. As we take one last look back at your life we take comfort in the fact that although your soul may have shaken off this mortal coil your silicone filled boobies will be around for centuries.

LG news takes a peek into the future to see what will become of David Beckham now that he’s calling California home.

Britney blasts out her second baby, The Pope blasts Islam and Madonna blasts off. Philip Norris knows it all – because he’s not a stupid woman.

Will K-Fed’s alleged cheating be the straw that breaks the crying, pregnant camel’s back?

In this episode, Philip Norris applauds Craigslist sex and hopes that other websites will help people get their freak on.

This week Bush will address the nation, Google loves the communists, Joaquin Phoenix almost dies, Chris Penn does die, and Clay Aiken is gay.

This week Jessica and Nick call it quits, President Bush gives a hilarious speech and Vince Vaughn is a drunk!

This week Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, but even more important they celebrate the new Xbox 360. We’re there to tell you about it.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.