Did you see Simon Cowell roll his eyes at Chris Richardson during American Idol? According this video, Simon has a history of being a heartless bastard.

Watch your little girls when you watch American Idol – or else Sanjaya will turn them into the devil!

You heard about her DUI, now see Nicole Ritchie drunkenly tear up the roads. LG was on the scene!

Paris Hilton’s belongings! We’ve found’em! You’ll want them! And most all – you’ll want to have sex with them!

Those paparazzi pics can only get you so close. Liquid Generation’s News Team takes you on a fantastic voyage right into Brit’s flesh canyon.

You’ve watched Dateline’s To Catch A Predator show right? Well, that has nothing on this very special news segment from Liquid Generation: To Catch a Baby Predator.

Anna Nicole makes cash, Spinach makes you sick, and the Paparazzi makes Diaz’s day. Philip Norris has the stories, and he’s hopped up on “Cocaine.”

Britney blasts out her second baby, The Pope blasts Islam and Madonna blasts off. Philip Norris knows it all – because he’s not a stupid woman.

In this special report, Philip Norris discusses violent video games like the upcoming Bully by Rockstar Games and tells you why they’re good for America.

Philip Norris gives you the inside scoop on Lindsay, Paris and the fat sweaty guy no one likes!

What’s with Tom Cruise naming his Scientology baby Suri? How about Gwyneth Paltrow’s baby, Moses? Why do celebrities insist on naming their babies such stupid names?

This week Philip Norris and LiquidGeneration announce that they are calling a truce with Hollywood. Who do we want to make nice with? Who do we want to continue to bash? Tune in!

This week Britney Spears almost kills her child, the world almost explodes, and other heartbreaking things that make you happy.

This week Bush will address the nation, Google loves the communists, Joaquin Phoenix almost dies, Chris Penn does die, and Clay Aiken is gay.

This week Lindsay Lohan admits that she’s skinny and that she’s done snorting drugs. Yeah, whatever Lindsay!

This week the world got a glimpse of Jennifer Aniston’s boobies, winter storms made everyone stay indoors and talk to their families, and Mel Gibson does the Holocaust.

This week Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, but even more important they celebrate the new Xbox 360. We’re there to tell you about it.

This week a Star Trek cast member comes out of the closet, Stallone wants to do another Rambo, and there might be another crazy Jackson on the loose.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.