She's Brian Austin Green's girlfriend, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't respect her sexiest! Philip Norris has more...

Jamie Lynn Spears has had her illegitimate child. Congrats Jamie Lynn, you are officially more white trash than your sister!

Jamie Lynn Spears has gotten herself all preggers! We do not need any more Spears children in this world!

This week Philip Norris brings you the week’s most fabulously racist news.

LG new has assembled a collection of Rachel Ray’s most annoying moments to prove once and for all that some one really needs to slap that bitch.

Paris Hilton’s belongings! We’ve found’em! You’ll want them! And most all – you’ll want to have sex with them!

Here is our take on the most ridiculous things that happened in the year 2006. Happy New Year!

The Hunter’s no more, Suri is adored, and Paris is a drunken whore. Philip Norris delivers the stories, but not via a C-Section.

Haley wrecked his car, Snakes switched to trains, and there’s no privacy at the sperm bank. Philip Norris is your man, although he’s too much of a pussy to go to the Middle East right now.

This week Michael Douglas lashes out at Bradgenlina, Jessica Simpson is almost preggers, Kanye West is the next Oliver Stone and more!

This week Britney Spears might be pregnant, President Bush is unpopular with the polls, Scott Stap is a douche bag, and more signs of the Apocalypse.

This week somebody kills Santa, Morgan Freeman stops racism, people search for Britney Spears on the internets and Kevin Federline drives a Ferrari. Not much going on.

This week Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, but even more important they celebrate the new Xbox 360. We’re there to tell you about it.

This week Dubya’s poll numbers are in the toilet, Lindsay Lohan wants to get married, Paris’ boytoy crashes a Bentley, and more celeb debauchery.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.