The Hunter’s no more, Suri is adored, and Paris is a drunken whore. Philip Norris delivers the stories, but not via a C-Section.

Jessica bangs John Meyer, Israel’s bombs explode, and a polygamist leader blasts off to jail. Philip Norris has the stories – and he’s completely un-Photoshopped.

Tom Cruise got fired, Israel is fired up, and Survivor is heating up… with racism! Philip Norris has the stories, unless he embarrasses himself trying to rap.

In this special report, Philip Norris discusses violent video games like the upcoming Bully by Rockstar Games and tells you why they’re good for America.

Terrorists go to jail, Robin Williams goes to rehab, and Heather Mills goes fence-hopping. Philip Norris has the stories… and photos of Suri?

Mel faces Jail, New York faces heat, and Paris faces the press (and looks dumb). Philip Norris has the latest, and doesn’t have sex with boys!

Lance is out, Al Qaida wants war, and the Tour De France is a crack house. Philip Norris is on the scene – unless he gets hit by the Girls Gone Wild bus.

Haley wrecked his car, Snakes switched to trains, and there’s no privacy at the sperm bank. Philip Norris is your man, although he’s too much of a pussy to go to the Middle East right now.

Will K-Fed’s alleged cheating be the straw that breaks the crying, pregnant camel’s back?

Is Suri Cruise an imaginary baby? Which game system is for racists? Which celebrity roof caught on fire? Philip Norris has the answers!

Star Jones wallows in self pity, Wacko Jacko moves to Europe and Jessica isn’t good enough for Dallas.

Food rules this week as Reese is fat, Bush is “Hungary” and Katharine McPhee can’t keep her lunch down.

This week Britney can chew gum and lie at the same time, Stephen Hawking is a cripple, Daryl Hannah was arrested, and Brad Pitt is making Zombie Movies.

The hottest new baby – that’s NOT a Scientologist!

Someone had sex with Anna Nicole and Batwoman is a huge lesbo.

Taylor Hicks wins Idol. America wins a giant text messaging bill.

Philip Norris gives you the inside scoop on Lindsay, Paris and the fat sweaty guy no one likes!

Hollywood’s got our kids dressing in black face. Oh Mammy!

Hear Philip Norris' plan to solve America's addiction to gas - the Charlie Sheen way!

What’s with Tom Cruise naming his Scientology baby Suri? How about Gwyneth Paltrow’s baby, Moses? Why do celebrities insist on naming their babies such stupid names?