I Am America's #1 Fanjaya So Shut Up

I wrote the following for our weekly LG Newsletter over the weekend. Because of the response I got from some of you who JUST COULDN'T BELIEVE that I am a fan of American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar, I am posting my newsletter here, as well as some of your emails, so that we can have a greater discussion on American Idol's latest savior. You might think this is all a joke but it's not. I joke about a lot of things, but never my idols.
 

My name is Slippy Jenkins and I believe American Idol’s Sanjaya Malakar is cooler than Jesus.

Our Savior Sanjaya’s voice is soft and sweet and amazing. His smile can outshine the sun. His hair is probably the greatest thing to happen to hair – ever.  Grandmas love Sanjaya. So do 15-year-old girls. And I, Slippy Jenkins, call myself a fan. I’m sure there are millions of you out there that feel just like me.

Some of you in Internet Land need to stop pouring Haterade all over Sanjaya. Can’t you see that this young man-child means no harm? You’ve probably heard of VoteForTheWorst.com. They’re asking people to vote for Sanjaya because they think he sucks. These voters are all lying to themselves. Especially the guys. I think they’re worried that if they admit to their friends that they like Sanjaya, they’ll look down at their crotches and discover they have a vagina. I like Sanjaya and I am proud to say that my privates are all intact.  Even if my crotch did turn into a SanVaja, I really wouldn’t be that sad.

No, Sanjaya doesn’t suck. His Michael Jackson-esque dance moves and Diana Ross-like Voice of Sweet-Ass Smoothness beat out HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of people and now he’s in the Top Ten. Guess who’s going to see American Idol on tour this summer? Slippy Jenkins and all the other Fanjayas!

Fanjayas around the world must unite. Fanjayas must stand on mountaintops and pronounce their unity with Sanjaya, and other Fanjayas. After all, Fanjayas don’t wear their heart on their sleeve. They wear Sanjayas on their sleeve. Fanjayas supporting Sanjayas supporting Fanjayas. That’s what it’s all about.

If Sanjaya dies tomorrow I have no doubt that Americans will mourn with the same magnitude as they did during Pearl Harbor, 9/11, the passing of Anna Nicole Smith and all the other American Tragedies. All the haters will feel so badly about themselves that they’ll no doubt want to commit suicide. That’s the effect that Sanjaya has on us. He’s more than just a singer. He’s a Savior. He’s our Savior.

When you’re feeling lonely, when you’re feeling sad, when you’re feeling that the world is against you and plugged up against a wall – just listen to a little Sanjaya and have his music set you free.

The #1 Fanjaya In The World,

Slippy Jenkins

Here are some of the emails I received: 

To: Slippy Jenkins
From: Robes Pierre

You shouldn't let people's feelings about Sanjaya make you do such stupid things. You're a quitter. You let people get to you. It's people like you who let others rule your life. They say something, you respond with stupidity. I'm not asking you to agree with everything I'm saying, I'm just asking you to find your own brain and don't let THEM control you. I'm talking about the Sanjaya Haters. They believe in mind control.


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